REFLECTION FROM JUNE 13TH, 2011**
RE: THE EFFECTS OF MOOD-STABILIZING MEDICATION ON CREATIVITY
WRITTEN – 6/13/2011 @ AGE 29
I have so much to say and I’ve been dreading writing because I don’t know how to say it. I just haven’t been feeling very inspired, and when I have felt so, I couldn’t sit down and write for one reason or another. I really don’t feel like writing right now, in fact, but I’m going to because I don’t want to work on the website quite yet.
So, I woke up this morning, watched Real Housewives of New Jersey, and then didn’t feel like doing anything. So, like any good mother of a three year old, I gave myself choices, doing nothing being not one. So, I said, I could either work on the website, write a journal, revise a journal, or workout. So I chose to workout and I feel good because I did so! And now I’m writing a journal, so I’m happy about that as well because I’m being productive! Only problem is, I’m not working on the website, or getting ready to go into work even. And I need to get some massive hours in this week too because I’m taking my birthday off on Monday next week, and I have a seminar next week as well. Bummer. I feel guilty.
So in any case, I’ve become enthralled with Eminem lately. And the bummer of it all is that I hate to even convey any feeling at all regarding him or his music, for fear when I am published, that he will bash my head in with nasty hurtful words. But, as with all things, it is what it is, I suppose. So whatever.
I watched 8 Mile and was intrigued. So I began listening to some of his music, and I’m not going to lie, it kind of made me want to slit my wrists. He’s just so sad, and so angry; it makes me want to cry. It makes me wish I could help him. I don’t know that there’s any way that I can, I just wish he could be happy. And then I wonder, does he maybe not even want to be happy, because what would happen to his anger ridden rap if he were no longer angry? What would happen then? Would it get worse? Better? If his feelings toward the world and people, and women, began to change, could his art morph along with him? I guess there’s no way to tell unless he tried. I just wish I could love him and listen to him and say I don’t really understand fully, but I respect that you’ve seen some horrible stuff and are trying to deal with it in a positive way. I mean, maybe the swearing and feud sparking comments aren’t always positive per se, but they’re words and they’re not killing anyone. And when you look at it from that point of view, it’s all pretty f’ing positive.
I don’t know, I just think I don’t like all of his music and it’s difficult for me to listen to a lot of the dirty/nasty lyrics, but I will tell you one thing, he’s got something to say and he’s saying it. And he’s not afraid to. He’s making art, trying to deal with having been through and seen some horrible parts of humanity, parts I admittedly hide from myself. I don’t know that he had that option, and I can’t really figure out if ignorance is really bliss, because he’s pretty angry and bitter about the awful side of humanity that he’s seen. I think I would be too. And I hide from it. And he struggles because of it. So I’m not sure which is better. I would venture to say that his viewpoint is, because he has seen some truths that I have not even had the courage to look into from an outsider’s perspective, at the very least!
I don’t know. I just wish he could be happy. He’s had some horrible circumstances and I don’t know that his music would suffer or not, but he’s probably got plenty of money by this point, so what the hell? Get on a (massively comfortable) budget and get happy. I wish he would. His music is just full of so much pain, he’s been through so much, he needs a good, smart, caring, compassionate, strong, faithful, loyal, loving woman to turn his world upside down. I don’t know how you find that though, in the world of fame that he lives in.
So anyways, that was a pretty dull recount of my feelings on Eminem, but that’s what I’ve been thinking about lately, so I thought I might as well capture it, albeit in a totally uninspired way. Ohh well.
What else? I sent my brother-in-law a really long email about the bar exam and what helped me prepare for it, and now I’m worried I overstepped my boundaries. I don’t know, I just want to help people and sometimes I think I may or may not go overboard with it. It’s just that people are so often not open to talking about their struggles and experiences in dealing with same, and I don’t want to be like that. If there’s something that I can say that will help someone, I wish I could just say it. I mean, if I had to go through something painful and could explain what I learned from it to another person in a way that would help them understand better why one choice may make more sense over another, I just want to do so, because I wish I had had someone who would have done that with me. But that wish, I’m pretty sure, is not widely shared. Or at the very least, not shared by everyone. And I know I don’t really appreciate unsolicited advice, so unless asked, I know I should keep my mouth shut. But it’s hard when you have something to say that could make a difference, to just let the moment pass you by.
I want to help people, in the greatest way possible. I think finishing up this book, in whatever form it eventually takes, is the way I was meant to do that. I’m not really sure how I’m going to get there, but I’m sure there’s a way, and I’m sure my thoughts would help a lot of people. They may not help everyone, but I think they will bring about much better understanding about many things, especially about bipolar illness and the development of an insecure young woman.
I do wonder, though, whether Eminem would make fun of me and make nasty remarks. I wonder if he would respect that I had something to say and the courage to say it. Or I wonder if he would disparage me because the things I’ve been through maybe haven’t been as horrible as what he’s been though. Or maybe they have, I don’t know. I just wonder what his opinion would be on that. I wonder if he could appreciate my struggles and what I’ve learned from them, even if they weren’t as “bad” as were his, like I should perhaps appreciate other peoples’ struggles and what they’ve learned from them, regardless of how much money they have.
I just get stuck so often thinking life must be so much easier if you have money. I think, in ways, it is. Life can certainly be made to be more comfortable and interesting in many circumstances; it can give you choices that would not otherwise be there to make. But I don’t think that it eliminates problems and struggles. Rich people have children who die or get brain tumors or cancer, they are taught to hide in their money and away from their feelings so that they become empty voids of barren, lonely space, they many times are unable to understand what true beauty is because they are so caught up in what our society deems it to be instead. Money can certainly solve some problems, this is true; but it can also create others. Money is not the end all, be all. If you’re only happy with money, then you’re not really happy at all, because real happiness stays with you no matter how the material circumstances around you change, or something to that effect.
So in any case, it remains to be seen how my own writing has changed and developed since I stopped using drugs and got on the bipolar meds. I was so afraid it was going to be completely dull, and I think a lot of times it is. But I don’t think it is entirely uninspired; probably has a lot more depth to it when it comes to the worthwhile material. I don’t know. It’s much less intense, I am sure. So does that necessarily make it worse, or less interesting? I would venture to say yes at this point, but I will withhold my judgment until after I read from the beginning to the present once more.
I decided I’m going to start making a tracking system as well, for the topics that I have written about, so I can easily reference and find related threads that develop throughout the ten year span. I hope this helps me get somewhere. It’s all I can really think to do right now, and I think it will be of great help, but you never know what’s going to turn out to be worthwhile versus what will turn out to be a waste of time. Even if it is somewhat of a waste of time, sometimes the most worthwhile things come out of those circumstances. I guess that would make it not so much a waste, but I guess my point is that, while things may sometimes seem like a waste of time in the moment, oftentimes it’s just the tedium that you must go through to get you to the place that matters most. I will get there.
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