REFLECTION FROM FEBRUARY 27TH, 2008**
RE: WHETHER DREAMS ARE DREAMS, OR DREAMS ARE DELUSIONS
WRITTEN – 2/27/2008 @ AGE 26
I was thinking at work today, as I’m so prone to doing (though not necessarily about work-related things), sure, I guess this probate law would be alright to do, to make a good living at and maybe even be a little comfortable with. But let me tell you…it’s so boring! I can hardly stand it it’s so boring. I mean, maybe it would be more exciting if I were…no no, I can’t imagine how it would get much more exciting than this. Thing is, there’s not really any law I’m all that excited about doing. So I started thinking about what, if I could do anything, I would want to do with my life.
Well, obviously I would love to think and read and write and ponder and wonder and write some more for a dang living. But beyond that, I mean nothing is beyond that, but in addition to that, I think I would love to be a spokeswoman for the American Bipolar Association, because I’m sure there is one and even if there isn’t, there sure as hell should be. I’d like to spearhead some sort of project with that, to increase education and awareness about the illness and all that, and to promote more research into the area to find better and especially more cost efficient ways to effectively treat the bipolar condition. That’s what I’d like to do second. Third, I think I would like to somehow get into public policy as it relates to mental illness, if there is such a thing. I don’t know, I just want to help demystify and destigmatize the particular nature of mental illness. I want to help people who are not mentally ill understand that mental illness is not a choice, and has nothing to do with willpower. Hell, I’d have to say I have a pretty great willpower when it comes to most things, I can stand up and take a real beating, but when it comes to mental illness, there simply is no choice. There is no choice to have it. There are choices, however, in treating the condition.
Problem is, of course of course, that psychiatric and medicinal help are expensive as hell…once again, you are only really free if you have money and all that. Anyways, bipolar is so new, the only medication available as a generic to treat the illness is Lithium, which can really mess with a lot of other stuff in the body and so it’s pretty much like trading a mental illness for a physical one. Or something like that.
Anyways, point is, all the other medications are still new and hence unbelievably expensive. Like, for instance today, I got a second mood-stabilizer to use in conjunction with my base mood-stabilizer, and this new pill, for 30- 5mg pills, the cost was about $375. Now mind you, I have pretty good health insurance and I am very lucky to have an employer who foots the premium bill every month, so after my $250 deductible, my insurance pays for all of my medications with the exception that I have to pay a copay of $15 for generics, and $30 to $40 per monthly prescription for non-generics, depending on whether or not they are preferred by my insurance company (whatever the f that means). So anyways, this is really a wonderful set up for a girl like me who has basically no disposable income after bills and has a very serious need for lots of very serious medications to treat my very serious illness and all. The only catch is that the cap for the year, the maximum amount my insurance will cover, is $5,000.
Now $5,000 may seem like a lot, but look at this…just for the second supplemental mood-stabilizer, for the year, the bill is $4,500. Now this doesn’t count in my birth control, which is about $35/month or $420/year, nor does it include my base mood-stabilizer, which costs at least $255/month or $3,060/year. Now let me remind you as well…the second, supplemental mood-stabilizer is currently at 5mg/day, but the full dose is 30mg/day. And while the full dosage may not be necessary, it turns out most often that I’m pretty much a full dosage kinda gal…I need all the help I can get if you know what I mean. So that cost is automatically pretty much way lower than it will end up to be. Moreover, I have not yet included my additional emergency mood-stabilizer that pretty much knocks me out, which I need to have around in case I have severe mania or depression and need to take some sort of constructive mood-stabilizing action before I slit my wrists or swallow all the g’damn pills in the house or whatever. You know, whatever method. And really, if you’re talking about methods, smoking some dang pot doesn’t sound so bad then does it, in regard to killing myself and all.
So anyways, I digress only to say that I have to have this third emergency mood stabilizer that’s used to knock me out in case my mania or depressive state becomes more than I can handle (which it often does…although improving my meds will prolly help greatly to minimize that…or so I hope). So, let’s see, just for the bare minimum amount of drugs to keep me functioning as a normal human being would, that will cost the insurance company a grand total of $7,980 for the year. So, with the insurance cap of $5,000/year, that leaves me to foot a bill of, at minimum, almost $3,000.
Now I’m a relatively smart, educated, resourceful young woman and look how well I’m doing. So just think about all the other people out there who have way worse situations and way less money than even I have, and can’t you see how many people are out there suffering and have no option but to suffer and therefore most likely act in destructive ways either inward toward themselves, or outward to others (in which case they’re looked at as monsters…but more on that another day), or they can just kill themselves. I mean, the trouble here just seems so obvious to me, I’m not quite sure why it isn’t so obvious to everyone else. Well, I have an idea, but pointing fingers sure won’t help. Something more must be done to help these people. I want to help these people. I want to help myself. I have the resources and the smarts and I’m pretty sure I’m educated enough at this point, from here on out it’s really just a matter of figuring out how I can go about affecting change and promoting awareness. So, I wanna do some of that.
I want so much. I’m passionate about so much…it’s just a matter now, of figuring out how I can go about making these dreams become a reality. And some days I really don’t have a clue what the hell I was thinking, but today these goals don’t seem so completely unrealistic that they would be delusional. I mean, people write and publish books everyday. People in fact write and publish books to promote better understanding of mental illness everyday. And the best part is, my book is still different than all the others already out there.
Anyways, what really makes me want to slit my wrists is the thought of practicing probate law or any other kind of law, or working at any other kind of job that doesn’t mean anything to me, that doesn’t allow me the opportunity to maximize what talents I do have to promote the greater good and the increased wellbeing of all humanity.
Ohh my mind is kind of all over the place tonight too, no? But thankfully I don’t feel manicky along with it. Well, I most definitely have to be at work on time tomorrow, because my boss is planning on being there when I’m supposed to be there because we have some sort of work to do, or some something. Blah blah blah…just counting the days till I finish this book and start living the life I really want to be living. I’ve done so much up to this point to come so close, but still the days of joy and fulfillment stand off. I wait and I work on and I wonder what will be.
Annddd, I’m back. Back down, back down to the ground. Self-loathing and all. I feel naïve about the world and what I can achieve in it. I feel like I am destined for regularity, which seems so cruel considering my anything but regularly functioning mind. It’s time for the pills!
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