ON MEDS – Medication Management

REFLECTION FROM FEBRUARY 27TH, 2008**

RE:  TRIAL AND ERROR WITH BIPOLAR MEDICATIONS

WRITTEN – 2/27/2008 @ AGE 26

It’s starting to feel like Christmas now every time a doctor gives me new meds to try.  With Christmas, for years I’ve always had in the back of my mind, maybe this will be my year, maybe this will be the year I have someone to love, someone who loves me, someone with whom to share in the holiday festivities and to snuggle in warm on cold, dark winter nights.  Now when I get new meds, I’m always thinking to myself, maybe this will be the key, maybe this will be the drug to set me straight at long last.

**THIS BLOG CONTAINS POSTINGS OF REAL-TIME JOURNAL ENTRIES AS THEY RELATE TO THE OVERALL PURPOSE OF THIS BLOG.  AS SUCH, PLEASE NOTE THAT ANY POST MARKED AT THE TOP WITH A “REFLECTION” DATE WAS WRITTEN ON THE REFLECTION DATE, NOT ON THE DATE IT WAS POSTED TO THIS BLOG.  IN ADDITION, PLEASE NOTE THAT NAMES AND OTHER DETAILS HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE PRIVACY OF THOSE REFERENCED WITHIN.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, PLEASE VISIT MY DISCLAIMER PAGE.

4 thoughts on “ON MEDS – Medication Management

  1. You are not alone. In a totally non-creepy way. My meds just got changed up a few days ago too. How do you manage your bipolar though, without meds that actually work? :(

    • Hah…no creepiness taken or inferred ;0) I’m going to tell you the truth…it sucks. BUT, it seems you like to write and if you have any other means of expression that you particularly enjoy, I would recommend diving in right now while you can. The flipside, the silver lining, at least to the depressive side, was that my writing was always more articulate and more thoughtful and though perhaps full of sadness and also possibly disappointment, beautiful in its honesty (IMHO). That’s the silver lining of depression. If you are on the manic side, take all precautions you can possibly take. I would recommend telling people you are in that state (close, trusted loves ones that is), cutting up your credit cards, umm…well anyways, that sort of thing. Now, if we’re talking mixed state which I have had before which is the WORST of all worlds, I always allow myself to smoke cigarettes non-stop if I feel like it. I know it’s horrible to say, but it always seems that if the choice is between killing myself and smoking a cigarette, I might as well bid my time just a little bit longer and have a cigarette while I think it over. Gives me good writing material usually too ;0) Ohh and also, that is the time to call the doctor’s office and say “this is an emergency, I need to see my doctor right away”. I usually feel suicidal intensely when I am in mixed states, so don’t hesitate. That’s what they’re there for. But be SURE to use the word EMERGENCY, that usually tends to get their attention ASAP. Call three times a day if you have to. Take care of business.

      I have so much to say I could literally write a book about it, but I would kind of need to know a little bit more about the situation. I get rapid cycling which is the most important thing to stop, and I find then that there are priorities after that such as 1) okay, so stop the rapid cycling, 2) treat the (inevitable resulting) depression, 3) find a stimulant to keep me awake (the mood stabilizers make me very VERY sleepy) so that I can continue to work and be a functioning member of society who can pay for my own medical bills, and 4) which is really 3 except my insurance company won’t approve the meds yet, is to try this medication for PTSD patients. My doc asked me if I had ever had PTSD and I was like uhh, well, I’m not a veteran, so… But when he said it can be a result of emotionally abusive relationships, it all made sense. My soon-to-be-ex-husband, three years of it. But anyways, mostly just try to be aware of where you are at on the spectrum, in terms of taking new meds, write down side effects (they say to keep a journal, if you can great, I try but it never seems to work out…I’m too busy writing otherwise ;0).

      The best, best BEST thing you can do right now I think is make sure you are with the most best doctors you can afford who absoLutely LISTEN to you the best. That’s the first step in recovery, aside from of course admitting you have an issue going on in the first place, which is a huge step in and of itself. And then the second is to call on whatever support group you might have, your inner circle (if you’re like me, that’s all you have, but it’s been enough, it’s what I need). Tell them what’s going on and try to educate them (a great site is http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/bipolar-disorder/DS00356 ) to whatever extent they are willing to take it all in, noting that it is A LOT to take in, as you very well know ;0) And then really I could go on and on forever, but I hope some of this helps and if you have ANY questions at all, generally or more specifically, please let me know.

      I’m with a new doc now and we are going through new meds trying to find the right combo and there’s no doubt it’s tough. Two now have made me suicidal so if that happens within a few days of taking a new med and especially if it keeps getting worse (mine tend first to start as nightmares all night long, interrupting my sleeping, then feeling depressed, the feeling suicidal), tell your doc right away and potentially stop taking it if you don’t hear back from your doc in the next 12-24 hours. And I’m not sure what age you are or really where you’re from specifically and what your culture is like, but I have to work through this and it’s difficult working when I could sit at my desk and sleep all day because that’s just a side effect of the medications. It’s just all about balance. Balancing what works with side effects that are minimal and/or that you can deal with.

      Okay, I’ve said enough for tonight. My positive thoughts are coming your way. Lemme know if you have any other questions ;0) XO

  2. I love your writing style. I guess it’s Hope, Love, and Validation that you’re seeking. My family is Jewish (no offense) so we never celebrated Christmas, but I must admit, I always loved that holiday with a passion. The tree with gifts inside the warm and loving home/family, while it’s snowing outside ignites my heart.

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