ON BEAUTY – The Pain of an Open-Heart

REFLECTION FROM MAY 25TH, 2007**

RE:  THE LONELINESS WITHIN THE STRUGGLE

WRITTEN – 5/25/2007 @ AGE 25

Well…law school’s done.  Work’s done.  Bar Exam trial preparations are processing.  I feel better.  Today I got the panic attack again.  In fact, I woke up with it and got it at work as well.  I told June today at work though what’s been going on, and felt much better about it.  It’s just a lot to fall all on the shoulders of one young woman.  Although perhaps, I think, that’s why I am not alone in this.  I think it’s no coincidence I get to have my David through this all.

It’s just all so confusing, trying to sort through all these feelings I’ve got going on that are either tightly associated with or triggered by Dave’s death.  Who knew so much suffering could come from a high school relationship?  But those were my formative years and although it may have been in silence for many years, I’ve loved that boy in a huge way for such a very long time.  It’s as if I couldn’t help but love him.

So I got on MySpace today to cancel my account and ended up updating my profile and surfing through my high school people.  Most of them I don’t really care to speak with again.  And I wouldn’t be surprised if they were all too busy as it were to take the time or the interest.  But I did send out a friend request to Jasmine, Brian Goslin and Cooper Lehmann.  And even those people I’m not even sure.

Ben Harper sings, “your love’s the warmest place the sun does shine.”

I want to talk to…I guess I just kind of want to say hello.  Whatever.  It’s funny I think, that I feel I have “no life” because there are particular people I’m interested in knowing more about and wouldn’t mind showing an interest in.  I suppose it couldn’t hurt.  I mean, if someone took an interest in me, I think that would be okay.  As long as they didn’t get weird about it.  The tricky part, though, is the thin line that runs between.

I did not like that I was on there though, and looking at other people’s profiles and immediately snapping judgments.  It feels okay in the moment, but I felt guilty shortly thereafter, if not in that same moment.  I don’t want to be that kind of person.  I think it’s a defense mechanism – although how effective it is, I am not sure.  I think either way you look at it, looking up high school people brings me, emotionally, back to middle school days and all that suffering in vain I went through.  All that suffering.  It’s incredible.

I really don’t understand why I suffer and struggle through every day, and yet so many people seem to get along just fine without all that.  I do think it’s what makes me different from so many other people.  It’s my blessing and my curse.  I’m beautiful…but you can’t have beauty without suffering, without the struggle.  I live and grow and learn to love a little bit more everyday of my life.  It makes me different you know?  Always has.

**THIS BLOG CONTAINS POSTINGS OF REAL-TIME JOURNAL ENTRIES AS THEY RELATE TO THE OVERALL PURPOSE OF THIS BLOG.  AS SUCH, PLEASE NOTE THAT ANY POST MARKED AT THE TOP WITH A “REFLECTION” DATE WAS WRITTEN ON THE REFLECTION DATE, NOT ON THE DATE IT WAS POSTED TO THIS BLOG.  IN ADDITION, PLEASE NOTE THAT NAMES AND OTHER DETAILS HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE PRIVACY OF THOSE REFERENCED WITHIN.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, PLEASE VISIT MY DISCLAIMER PAGE.

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