RE: WHETHER ANY WORTH IN THE FEAR OF FAILURE CAN MAKE HOPE FOR DREAMS NOT WORTHWHILE
I had a bad day yesterday. Mostly I was just tired I think. But I met with my psychologist about my writing and it didn’t go real well. I mean, it actually went just as I had expected, but I guess I had hoped for better than that. Nothing wrong with hoping though.
He was actually quite critical. Whether the criticism was constructive, I have not yet decided. To be honest, I think he was totally turned off by the crude language and had a hard time seeing past that. I think he found the whole thing rather disturbing and perhaps is concerned for me, that I would put that part of myself out there for others to see.
I understand and appreciate his concern, but it is also a big part of the problem. It’s so fundamentally looked down upon in our society to show this “ugly” side of yourself, such that most people who preview it, I think, will say that “no one’s going to want to read this”. But what do they know? And what do I know? I mean, there’s just no way to tell.
So yeah, maybe people won’t want to read about how ugly a person can be. But maybe they will. Maybe they do want to understand. Maybe they do want to know they’re not the only one who has this dark, ugly side. And maybe they will see the beauty in it that Dr. Godfreid so obviously cannot.
Dr. Godfreid asked me where I was going with this “book” or, essentially, what the point was if not a happy ending. Good question. And I don’t have the answer to it quite yet, except to say, I do not necessarily believe that a “happy ending” in the traditional sense is what is needed or warranted in this situation. I guess a happy message at the end, tra-la-la, life is wonderful now, I am perfect now, the medications work, the doctors help, tra-la-la…I guess that might help get through the rather depressing and disturbing parts of the book. But I don’t know, I don’t think that is what I want.
I mean, it’s not that I want to depress people and make them feel uncomfortable for no purpose. But then, I suppose the answer is that, I have a purpose, and I don’t want to dilute it with a stupid sappy happy ending. Things are not perfect now. Yes, they’re better than they were. That is absolutely true. But nobody ever goes through life without struggle. So why should I portray that I take my medications and see my doctors and now my life is perfect?! It’s not!
I still struggle with the medications, most notably because they make me numb and blah and boring much of the time if the mix and dosages are not just perfectly right. I now understand better why people don’t want to take them. I can see the benefit in not taking them now, to an extent. I can see an even greater benefit in experimenting in dosages to allow for more feeling, but to still keep my feet on the ground and my body above it.
All I can tell you is that my appointment with Dr. Godfreid, and what he had to tell me, irritated me. I mean, of course I want people to receive my work well. I want them to see the meaning and the value in it, and to appreciate it. I want those things. But I have to accept that everyone will not feel the same way. Some will hate it; some will hate me because of it. That just is what it is. But there will be love too. So is the hate worth finding the love? Isn’t that just the never-ending question?
Is the risk of happiness worth the risk of failure? I think so. But we’ll see in the end. If failure should come, will it destroy me? Or will it make me stronger and lead me ultimately to an even greater success? I just can’t believe that there is any worth in fearing failure to such an extent that it makes dreams not worthwhile. I don’t want to live my life that way.