RE: SUICIDE – The Beginning Thoughts

Reflection from August 1, 2000 @ 19 Yrs



NOTE—This is the entry dating furthest back of the entries I still have, where I first begin to speak of suicidal ideation.

Did you ever think about swallowing a bottle of pills just to see what would happen?  Or how about slitting your wrists, just lit-tle cuts, but slitting your wrists to see if the pain it made you feel could somehow make everything else you were feeling seem not as bad?  Were you ever so angry you just wanted to throw up every meal so that maybe you might get thin and eventually die of starvation and make all the people who are driving you crazy feel bad for being so absolutely awful when they could have cared?

I vented all my problems, worries and frustrations to my mom tonight because I have no one else to talk to out here in Minnesota where I am staying for the summer, but then she got upset with me for being hysterical.  To be able to feel no emotions, or be aware of them still and just not give a damn seems like a dream.  I can’t wait to get out of here.  I can’t wait to smoke up again and get drunk again with all my friends at school.  I can’t wait to get the hell out of here.

I wonder how many people in this world have deep dark secrets that they have never told anyone, not even their mom or their best of best friends.  I can think of four right off the bat.  Maybe one day when I can admit them to myself then maybe they won’t be so absolutely dreadful to speak of or even just think about.  G’night.

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5 thoughts on “RE: SUICIDE – The Beginning Thoughts

        • Wow…seems like such a simple question. Just blew my mind though. I’m gonna have to give that some thought. I mean, I’m sure I have at some points in different entries but never sat down and really thought about it and then wrote about it in that sense that you seem to be indicating. Like, directly.

          Hmm…great thinking, questioning, observation, etc. I have this coming week off work and it will give me something fun to think about ;0) Maybe I’ll give it a shot later in the week.

          • Kyrielleadelshine- Thanks a lot for your quick and positive response, and most importantly for paying attention to and appreciating my suggestion. You see, with time one’s mindset and thought process sometimes changes, and one may or may not see the same events in the same light, as was done years ago. It does not mean that either of the two perspectives, new or old, are incorrect, wrong or less matured, simply because for that time and frame of mind, those must have been the most accurate, honest and valid answers. I often think that re-visiting our own thoughts and actions (or our own reflections as well) may improve us and make us better, going forward…that’s all.

            Once again, thanks for being so open minded and reciprocational to my suggestion. Have a good time with the coming week off.

            Best Regards.


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