Reflection from August 1, 2000 @ 19 Yrs
RE: BEING BIPOLAR, NOT YET KNOWING YOU ARE, NOT YET KNOWING WHAT IS WRONG, ONLY KNOWING SOMETHING IS SO DEFINITELY NOT RIGHT
*WARNING—THE FOLLOWING ENTRY RELATES TO SUICIDAL IDEATION*
NOTE—This is the entry dating furthest back of the entries I still have, where I first begin to speak of suicidal ideation.
Did you ever think about swallowing a bottle of pills just to see what would happen? Or how about slitting your wrists, just lit-tle cuts, but slitting your wrists to see if the pain it made you feel could somehow make everything else you were feeling seem not as bad? Were you ever so angry you just wanted to throw up every meal so that maybe you might get thin and eventually die of starvation and make all the people who are driving you crazy feel bad for being so absolutely awful when they could have cared?
I vented all my problems, worries and frustrations to my mom tonight because I have no one else to talk to out here in Minnesota where I am staying for the summer, but then she got upset with me for being hysterical. To be able to feel no emotions, or be aware of them still and just not give a damn seems like a dream. I can’t wait to get out of here. I can’t wait to smoke up again and get drunk again with all my friends at school. I can’t wait to get the hell out of here.
I wonder how many people in this world have deep dark secrets that they have never told anyone, not even their mom or their best of best friends. I can think of four right off the bat. Maybe one day when I can admit them to myself then maybe they won’t be so absolutely dreadful to speak of or even just think about. G’night.
Photo Credit: http://www.rabbitroom.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/magnolia-flower.jpg