Reflection from September 30, 2007 @ 26 Yrs
RE: THE FALSE PERCEPTION OF STANDING STILL IN TIME
The Weepies say, “the whole world is moving, and I’m standing still,” and that’s exactly the way I feel tonight. I miss Dave tonight more than I can express in words. All of our memories are burned into my memory and they’re coming out like fireflies in the night’s darkness. And I am here, just filling time. So much time it seems, just endless time to fill.
It’s all still feeling rather pointless, life that is. But I know that it is not. That’s why I can’t off with my head already. I can’t do it. I cannot kill myself. And so I’ve surrendered. If I have to be here, I might as well make the most of it right? And thank my lucky stars I was born in America to the family that I was born into. Because as tough as things are sometimes, I know they could be so much more difficult.
I feel like my writing is bland. I feel like I’m being dulled out by the drugs. But what else can I do? What choice do I have? I can’t kill myself, so my only other choice is to surrender. What else can I do?
I never knew I’d miss Dave so much. And I can’t even figure out if it has to do with him, or if I am missing something that wasn’t even real. Am I missing Dave or just the idea of Dave? And does it really matter which? The feelings are still real, aren’t they? I’m more confused than ever, it seems. I feel the darkness and it’s overtaken me.
I cannot see and I am flailing and lost and wandering aimlessly. I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know what to do. All I know is I can’t stop crying and my heart won’t stop aching and I cannot see how I am going to make it through. I cannot yet see how I am going to make it through.