ON DARKNESS – Keeping On Keeping On When All Is Not Well

dave and maris

Photo Dated – August 1999

Reflection from September 30, 2007 @ 26 Yrs


The Weepies say, “the whole world is moving, and I’m standing still,” and that’s exactly the way I feel tonight. I miss Dave tonight more than I can express in words. All of our memories are burned into my memory and they’re coming out like fireflies in the night’s darkness. And I am here, just filling time. So much time it seems, just endless time to fill.

It’s all still feeling rather pointless, life that is. But I know that it is not. That’s why I can’t off with my head already. I can’t do it. I cannot kill myself. And so I’ve surrendered. If I have to be here, I might as well make the most of it right? And thank my lucky stars I was born in America to the family that I was born into. Because as tough as things are sometimes, I know they could be so much more difficult.

I feel like my writing is bland. I feel like I’m being dulled out by the drugs. But what else can I do? What choice do I have? I can’t kill myself, so my only other choice is to surrender. What else can I do?

I never knew I’d miss Dave so much. And I can’t even figure out if it has to do with him, or if I am missing something that wasn’t even real. Am I missing Dave or just the idea of Dave? And does it really matter which? The feelings are still real, aren’t they? I’m more confused than ever, it seems. I feel the darkness and it’s overtaken me.

I cannot see and I am flailing and lost and wandering aimlessly. I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know what to do. All I know is I can’t stop crying and my heart won’t stop aching and I cannot see how I am going to make it through. I cannot yet see how I am going to make it through.




13 thoughts on “ON DARKNESS – Keeping On Keeping On When All Is Not Well

  1. Great song. ~ I’m really glad I found your blog. Since doing so, I’ve come here and read through some of your past posts. I like the way you write, and the energy here is so good. Quickly becoming one of my favorite blogs. You said “I feel like my writing is bland.”, and I just want to say to you that there is an “art” to YOU that really comes across. Not just in your writing but also in your whole presentation of things. And your vulnerable honesty is…well,…brave, and sort of endearing. I really look forward to future posts. ~ Have a great day or evening wherever you are! ~ Bill

  2. Belated by three days as it may be, my Best wishes to you for a Very Happy Birthday!!!

    I noted, for the 1st time, the milestone on this blog marked as Birthday No. 33 for June 20 (12 months to go). So gathered Birthday No. 32 must have passed three days ago.

    My Best Wishes to you Kurielle Adelshine, for receiving whatever your heart desires.

    Have a great New Year!


        • Thank you ;0) I had them taken when I got my professional ones for work last month. Still wondering when the “right” timing will come into play to link the two. My professional work is slowly coming to a place where my blog could be of benefit rather than detriment to it. It will be nice when the time arrives.

          • Kyrielle Adelshine:

            I do not know your real name in actuality, though I do know (from reading your posts) that by profession you are an attorney, which is really an awesome accomplishment in itself – especially in light of the environment at odds. I also know that your writing style and thought process, both are exceptionally remarkable. Hence I agree that your blogging activities will most definitely help and complement your professional work. My respectful suggestion, if you don’t mind, is to create a new blog under your true name and then associate it with your legal profession exclusively, i.e. independent of your writing under the pseudonym or alter ego Kyrielle. You see, my thinking is that these are two independent streams running in parallel, and you can switch between the two rather than attempting to inter-mixing those. I am sure you can manage both very effectively and skillfully. Please regard this as an objective thought from a friend or a well-wisher.

            You can start your new blog with professional focus when you consider the timing to be most appropriate to do so….even now if it’s okay.

            Thanks and Best Regards.

  3. Even though you may not believe it at this moment, this too shall pass, and you will see the point in life once again. Keep writing, I think you are talented and I like your words ) beth


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