REFLECTION FROM AUGUST 25TH, 2008**
WRITTEN – 8/25/2008 @ AGE 27
–Crude Language Follows–
I tell you what…there are some crazy ass m’f”ers out there that really just do not give a shit and they’ll take you at your most vulnerable and fuck you over for no good reason at all. They’ll fuck you over to just fuck you over, so they don’t have to feel like the only ones fucked over. And people wonder why I don’t want to live in this world that we have to live in, where people will beat you and rape you and hang you out to dry for no good reason at all. There’s no fairness to it, there’s no justice to be found. It’s like my boss is always telling me, litigation isn’t about what is fair and what is just, it’s about winning like any other game.
Well no fucking wonder I don’t want to play. No fucking wonder I’m fighting like hell not to lose my soul for all this goddamn money they lure you in with. I tell you what, I won’t stop fighting like hell because my soul’s worth the fight.
And one more observation before I leave to get ready for work. The scary part about all of the above, about how people will fuck you over just so they’re not the only ones fucked over, it specifically reminds me of how I feel sometimes, in the worst of my moments, when I feel like I want others to suffer too just so I’m not the only one suffering. Well no wonder misery loves company. Isn’t miserable company so much better than inflicting misery upon others so you don’t have to be alone though? I mean it’s no wonder miserable people isolate from happy people. They’re like oil and water, black and white, north and south, they don’t mix and furthermore they don’t want to mix. It’s too painful for both parties.
Anyways, my point is, I don’t want to be the kind of person that wants others to suffer just so I’m not the only one suffering. I know paying lip service is easy, but it’s true. If I have to suffer alone then so be it, but I do not want to inflict suffering upon others just so that I do not have to suffer alone. I told you I’ll fight like hell to save my soul, and you goddamn better well know I mean it.
You know, I came home from work one week ago, put on this cute ass lit-tle black dress and danced and danced and danced for prolly an hour. I never do that! I really do quite hate to dance and I don’t know what got into me! Point is, there’s something out there that can make me so damn happy, so fully joyful that my fears are overcome and I can dance forth into oblivion. I’ve gotta get that back. I don’t know what it was! I just felt it, I felt so joyful and I don’t know why. One week ago I was joyful. That means it’s possible. It’s truly and genuinely possible. I want that back.
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