Reflection from March 10, 2008 @ 26 Yrs
RE: REALITY –VS- SOCIOLOGICAL SCRIPTURES
There’s this song I’m pretty into these days, it’s called Lately by Helio Sequence. I just love the lyrics because this character speaks about all these specific feelings he does not feel toward another person. Now, maybe I’m way off on this, but at least in my interpretation it sounds like this man, who is listing in a particular and incredibly detailed way, about feelings that he’s not feeling in regard to another, presumably a significant other. Here listen:
Lately, I don’t think of you at all, or wonder what you’re up to, or how you’re getting on. I never think of calling you, or how things could have been, or wonder where you sleep at night or whose arms you wake in. I’m living alone, living alone, I don’t need you any more…
Lately, I don’t get lost in daydreams, I never awake at night staring in my bed, and I don’t think about your face or anything you said, and I don’t think twice when someone says your name, or twist my mind in circles wondering which of us to blame. I’m living alone, living alone, I don’t need you anymore…
I never walk alone and think of all the empty words, or wonder when the day will break or when the tides will turn, and I don’t break down when someone says your name, or twist my mind in circles wondering which of us to blame.
You get the point. It’s just the most beautiful song, and the way it’s sung is melancholic and heartbreaking, which lends to the conclusion that this man does, in fact, feel all of these particular emotions, have all these thoughts that he’s singing about, but he’s definitely trying to deny their presence.
It reminds me of how I felt and thought about Dave for the longest time after high school. My heart just broke and I denied that I had any of those feelings because I didn’t think it was my place to feel them. And if that were the case, then I would deny them so I wouldn’t act on them. So I could provide the space we both seemingly needed at that time in our lives. I just like it because it displays the disconnect so apparent in reality between what we feel and how we are supposed to act according to sociological scriptures.
The truth is, I want to tell myself it wasn’t meant to be, I want to say I should be glad we didn’t end up together, but like the balloon that just won’t sink, my love for this boy prevails in the end, always. Life hurt with him and now life hurts without him. It couldn’t have been meant to be. I hope it isn’t always this hard. I hope something fundamental was missing here and that it will find me and fill me and complete me in a way I’ve never yet dreamed.
More than anything, I hope for myself to have dreams I cannot yet comprehend. Dreams that rise above the clouds, out into the abyss beyond space and time and come to me through my open mind. Somewhere, I want to be happy. Someday, I want to be happy.