REFLECTION FROM JUNE 14TH, 2011**
RE: OPEN-MINDEDNESS, PROCESSING EVIL INTO GOOD, AND COURAGEOUSNESS OF SPIRIT
WRITTEN – 6/14/2011 @ AGE 29
It’s just so funny that only three short months ago I was telling Stella about how I strongly dislike Eminem. I mean, my reasons were the same as they are now, in that it’s difficult for me to take some of the things that he says, just because a great part of his focus is on this part of humanity that I, at least up until now, have not wanted to see or even be a part of. He just deals with some rough shit and I’m…well, I don’t know. I guess I’m…God, I just don’t know. I feel like I need to berate myself there, but I understand why I’m hiding my eye from these horrible things. Ignorance is bliss, I suppose. Not really though.
I think I’d rather not be ignorant, but I wonder, how in the world can I take all this evil in if I don’t properly know how to process it, and digest it so it doesn’t stay in me and completely destroy me in the meantime? I don’t know. I need to figure it out though.
So I’ve been thinking about Eminem, and reading about him, and listening to his music, and he really just fascinates the hell out of me to be entirely honest.
I mean, if Eminem can go out there and say anything he wants, and say it because it has a purpose and because it needs to be said, and not be afraid of what other people are going to say, or whether or not other people will like him, then I figure I very damn well can too. I mean, why not? Unless I read through these journals of mine and they mean nothing, say nothing, are worthless, etc.
But I know that’s not the case. It’s just that it’s a genre of its own. I need to remember why it’s awesome when I get into these moods where I’m just not sure of myself. It’s awesome because it has purpose and meaning, and promotes understanding and open-mindedness. It’s worth something; I know it is. And it’s going to be worth something to many other people too I think in the end, if I can just keep myself keeping on in the meantime. There may be many others who hate it, or hate me for it, but I know it’s worth something. It’s just a matter now, of me, getting myself prepared.
Which brings me to my next section about babies. I’ve been obsessed with having a baby lately, and it’s weird because I was like that not too long ago as well. And there was an intermittent period of calm in between. I don’t know what that one was about, but this one is about understanding that I have some work I need to get finished before I have that baby. And also, that whatever is going to happen is going to happen.
So whether or not I hurry up the process is relatively irrelevant. What’s meant to be will be. I need to let go and let it happen. I need to stop forcing things to happen, or to happen a certain way, or to not happen or to whatever! I need to stop! I need to remember what I’m made of.
I choose to believe in meaning and purpose. I choose to believe that I was meant to be a writer, and that my writing is going to help others in need, in ways that I cannot even yet comprehend.
I choose to be open-minded. I choose to let what will be, be. I choose to let go, and to walk forward with the belief that I am exactly who I am supposed to be right now, and I that I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this point in my life. I believe that if I prepare myself for what I want, the opportunities necessary to make what I want come true will arise. I am the Queen of FDC and I believe it will all work out in the end.
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