ON THE SEARCH FOR LIGHT – Finding the Truth in Humanity


Reflection from February 12, 2008 @ 26 Years Old



Alright, I was thinking about this today, is it mean to point out, for instance, that someone in your office, not someone you have to work around thank god, but nevertheless, someone who works in your office smells awful?  I mean, maybe it could be more tactfully said, but even so, is it mean or is it mere observation and therefore neutral?  Is it automatically not neutral even if it’s mere observation, because it’s a generally negative attribute?

It’s funny though because you know what it makes me damn wonder?  It makes me damn wonder whether I smelled that damn bad back in my good ‘ol college days when I constantly could be found three-days-dirty.  Dirty hippie – that’s what I wanted to be, a damn dirty ol’ hippie.  Still do a lot of days.  I think though bohemian would be more the concept I’m thinking of now.


Anyways, earlier today I was thinking of the above and it led me to speculate on the negative health impact all this hiding from our own humanity must induce.  I mean, it really irritates me that my initial instinct in so many instances when I am writing, is to hide the honest to god truth about my own humanity.

When I’m dealing with difficult, cruel and just plain ugly emotions, my instinct is that I cannot share them with other human beings because if I do, I will be labeled as a mean person with mean thoughts.  It just seems funny to me that we spend so much energy hiding the truth because we fear its ugliness, and that its bluntness will isolate us from other people.

Funnier than that, it’s pretty much true that in this society, except in a few isolated circumstances, if you possess these kinds of negative thoughts about the world, other people, yourself and just life in general, and if you share these thoughts with others, the natural impulse is to run away like the goddamn wind.

People avoid the truth, they avoid their humanity because it’s uncomfortable to face and they have to admit that amidst all our moral scruples, we’ve all made mistakes and not a one of us has ever lived up to all that it is we believe in.


Ideals are just that; ideas that human beings can strive for.  We can never have them though; it’s a constant struggle we must endure our entire lives if we are truly committed to the search for truth, love and the meaning of life.

It makes more sense to me everyday why people leave these ideas by the wayside.  It’s a hard  road to walk; I walk it everyday and look where it’s led me!  It’s led me time and again to a place where I literally want to kill myself because I do not feel I can face all the evil and cruel aspects of this world.  But I’ve found that in this endeavor for truth, forgiveness is a necessary element, and I will tell you why in this painfully obtuse way.


We are all imperfect beings, we are born that way, we will live and we will die that way.  Imperfection is the nature of humanity.  We cannot be separated from our imperfection.

Consequently, our imperfection binds us to the inevitable conclusion that each and every one of us will fuck up our own morals and values, and in most if not all occasions, we will fuck up on far many more occasions than just a few.

When we mess up though, what do we want?  We want others to forgive us, but it’s nearly impossible to admit our wrongs to others and to ask for and accept forgiveness, when we cannot admit to our own imperfection in the first place.  I’m running around in wordy circles here and it’s almost 11pm and I really need to get to bed, so I will try to enunciate more clearly just one more time.


To get to the point and bring this ‘round full circle, all people fuck up, that’s precisely why forgiveness is so essential.  In order to continue learning, to allow yourself to continue opening your heart and your mind and your soul to others, you have to be able to forgive others for trespassing against you.

If you choose to live vainly and blindly in the pain, you inevitably close your heart off to the world, you become cold and distant and disconnected and what’s far worse, I’ve found upon stumbling into this condition, that this is the point at which a human being is most vulnerable to the promotion of evil.

You cannot love if you live in darkness and choose not to search for the light.  All of us wander blindly through the dark, perhaps most of our lives, I do not yet know.  But I can tell you that all of us find ourselves in the darkness, alone.  Those who are redeemable though, who are truly free to love and to be loved, are those who wander through the darkness, not aimlessly, but in search always of light.

8 thoughts on “ON THE SEARCH FOR LIGHT – Finding the Truth in Humanity

  1. Pingback: SPEAKING OUT ON MENTAL ILLNESS – The Evolution of Recovery (to begin again…) | JANE SAYS

  2. I really loved this one on forgiveness! And I have to add that I hate when someone douses on the perfumes or colognes that you have to smell all day!!! THEY may love the scent but Helllooooo not everyone wants to smell it. I go home with a headache from the gym when someone is sweating on a treadmill next to mine which in turn magnifies the already strong perfume smell! Wish they would post no perfume signs there! lol.
    Thanks for this post is was great!

  3. Wow are you deep!

    Sometimes a knot is just a knot (Gordian’s Knot). It is not a metaphor for the complexity and meaning of life. Pull out your sword and cut the knot in half.

    If you know the person, tell them. If you don’t know the person, or are personally uncomfortable about telling them (“I can’t stand confrontation”), ask the person’s supervisor to tell them.

    I had a worker with smelly feet/shoes. It bothered me that I noticed it, but I wasn’t sure I wasn’t being overly sensitive. Another member of my staff (who sat nearer the first) came up to me and complained. I said tell him (the first). The person said “no”, that was my job as their supervisor. Fair enough. I took the “foot” guy in an office and I told him. I said at the end of the day go buy some foot spray and on pay day, buy two more pairs of shoes so he can rotate them and they have time to dry out. And continue to spray the shoes and make sure he is washing and drying his feet each day. He did as instructed. End of problem.

    If you walk down the aisle at work and see a paper on the floor, you stop, pick it up and toss it in the bin. You don’t wonder who dropped it, or who’s job it is to pick it up. You just pick it up.

    Leaders lead. Co-workers work for each other as much as for the company. Friends help each other. (Granted, it is stated you barely know the person, but still.)

    And yes, you probably did smell “somewhat” – way back when. Aren’t you glad you don’t now? By the way, three days is probably not enough to smell “that” bad – unless you are decomposing. Three weeks, is another story.

    The final paragraph of this (your) post is pure poetry and reminds me of Kahlil Gibran, (so I hope you don’t mind my quoting you on my blog), but sometimes even what appears to be a “Gordian” knot, is just a knot. Slice…

    • ;0) Thank you. You’re right, sometimes the knot is just the knot, sometimes I guess I just wish it were a bit more simple. I would prefer people not hurt my feelings (not saying you are in any way, just generally, and bc I tend to be a bit more sensitive bc of the bipolar thing), but at the same time I’d prefer honesty more (I think, if I’m ready for it I suppose). It can be a fine line to walk. Thanks for the compliment, I love Gibran ;0)

    • You know what though? Sometimes there are so many non-leaders in this world that one knot isn’t just one knot not cut. I believe we are all as a human race, interconnected. When one borderline leader sees another person being a “non-leader”, I think they think, ohh what the hell, why should I be walking this hard path when so many other people aren’t and they’re the ones “getting ahead” and then it’s just a downward cycle from there.

      It’s like, not linear, it’s exponential. I think that’s why our world is where it is today, it’s in a downward spiral. Maybe that’s me just being idealistic, naive, whatever, but I also think I’m being realistic in this instance too.

      Human beings can only take so much you know? They need to be surrounded by more good and that takes effort on everyone’s part, not just by the people who are “bad” or “ugly” already and leaders, but everyone.

      We all need help sometimes, it’s just a truth of humanity due to our condition. I guess that’s what this post is about, we can’t reach out for help if we can’t even admit to our own mistakes.

      Sigh. It makes my heart heavy.

  4. I think the “Intelligence” that had the power to bring protein strains together from water to end up with us and knew it would, would choose an imperfect world like ours. I mean think about it. It’s not too hot, not too cold, there are wild beasts, hurricanes, others like you that invite problems. If I had a choice to place life anywhere it would be here. From here I know my kind would have many adversities, such as pondering about if it is wrong to smell someone bad and curse that you smelt it, in your mind.

    They would have so many problems to solve it would create so much experience and evolved ideas. You are right, an idea is not tangible, it can live forever and grow. “On Forgiveness”, you have to overcome that shit. I’ve learned that language creates our reality. Everything around us we know is because of language, the magic miracle of me creating sounds with my mouth and you’re reading my mind. My goal is The Overman. To overcome “words” such as morals, forgiveness, etc., but to go over one must go under first.

    To accept another day, we choose to give away another piece of life.To forgive is to suffer. To waste one second on grudges is one second wasted. Whatever occured is history now, move on. But as you stated, we, at this point in history, do not do that. We are too distracted by society to just fucking STOP and listen…….

    All people have their own idea of polarities, good/bad, light/dark, do you experience more from donating a million dollars to charity, or from being a drug addict for ten years and eventually recover? Negative happenings are necessary for your soul. As someone said, (Buddha?) one is not born with a soul, one must earn it through suffering.

    To me, this earth is a Soul School. We came here not knowing whence we came because, knowing the ending of a book would be boring and we would learn nothing.

    “Those who are redeemable though, who are truly free to love and to be loved, are those who wander through the darkness, not aimlessly, but in search always of light.”

    It is just a choice, every moment, between Love, or Fear. Unconditional Love, or Hatred of all.


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