Reflection from February 12, 2008 @ 26 Years Old
RE: EMOTION, IDEALS, FORGIVENESS AND THE TRUTH ABOUT HUMANITY
Alright, I was thinking about this today, is it mean to point out, for instance, that someone in your office, not someone you have to work around thank god, but nevertheless, someone who works in your office smells awful? I mean, maybe it could be more tactfully said, but even so, is it mean or is it mere observation and therefore neutral? Is it automatically not neutral even if it’s mere observation, because it’s a generally negative attribute?
It’s funny though because you know what it makes me damn wonder? It makes me damn wonder whether I smelled that damn bad back in my good ‘ol college days when I constantly could be found three-days-dirty. Dirty hippie – that’s what I wanted to be, a damn dirty ol’ hippie. Still do a lot of days. I think though bohemian would be more the concept I’m thinking of now.
Anyways, earlier today I was thinking of the above and it led me to speculate on the negative health impact all this hiding from our own humanity must induce. I mean, it really irritates me that my initial instinct in so many instances when I am writing, is to hide the honest to god truth about my own humanity.
When I’m dealing with difficult, cruel and just plain ugly emotions, my instinct is that I cannot share them with other human beings because if I do, I will be labeled as a mean person with mean thoughts. It just seems funny to me that we spend so much energy hiding the truth because we fear its ugliness, and that its bluntness will isolate us from other people.
Funnier than that, it’s pretty much true that in this society, except in a few isolated circumstances, if you possess these kinds of negative thoughts about the world, other people, yourself and just life in general, and if you share these thoughts with others, the natural impulse is to run away like the goddamn wind.
People avoid the truth, they avoid their humanity because it’s uncomfortable to face and they have to admit that amidst all our moral scruples, we’ve all made mistakes and not a one of us has ever lived up to all that it is we believe in.
Ideals are just that; ideas that human beings can strive for. We can never have them though; it’s a constant struggle we must endure our entire lives if we are truly committed to the search for truth, love and the meaning of life.
It makes more sense to me everyday why people leave these ideas by the wayside. It’s a hard road to walk; I walk it everyday and look where it’s led me! It’s led me time and again to a place where I literally want to kill myself because I do not feel I can face all the evil and cruel aspects of this world. But I’ve found that in this endeavor for truth, forgiveness is a necessary element, and I will tell you why in this painfully obtuse way.
We are all imperfect beings, we are born that way, we will live and we will die that way. Imperfection is the nature of humanity. We cannot be separated from our imperfection.
Consequently, our imperfection binds us to the inevitable conclusion that each and every one of us will fuck up our own morals and values, and in most if not all occasions, we will fuck up on far many more occasions than just a few.
When we mess up though, what do we want? We want others to forgive us, but it’s nearly impossible to admit our wrongs to others and to ask for and accept forgiveness, when we cannot admit to our own imperfection in the first place. I’m running around in wordy circles here and it’s almost 11pm and I really need to get to bed, so I will try to enunciate more clearly just one more time.
ON THE TRUTH OF HUMANITY
To get to the point and bring this ‘round full circle, all people fuck up, that’s precisely why forgiveness is so essential. In order to continue learning, to allow yourself to continue opening your heart and your mind and your soul to others, you have to be able to forgive others for trespassing against you.
If you choose to live vainly and blindly in the pain, you inevitably close your heart off to the world, you become cold and distant and disconnected and what’s far worse, I’ve found upon stumbling into this condition, that this is the point at which a human being is most vulnerable to the promotion of evil.
You cannot love if you live in darkness and choose not to search for the light. All of us wander blindly through the dark, perhaps most of our lives, I do not yet know. But I can tell you that all of us find ourselves in the darkness, alone. Those who are redeemable though, who are truly free to love and to be loved, are those who wander through the darkness, not aimlessly, but in search always of light.