CULTIVATING BEAUTY – TROUBLE WITH PEOPLE & RELATIONSHIPS:
Reflection from April 11, 2009 @ 27 Years Old
Well, Marc still hasn’t written back, so I think either (1) he’s really busy or (2) I scared him off. I’m inclined to think that I scared him off because usually he writes back pretty quickly. This hasn’t been quickly. Maybe I shared “too much” in telling him that I have to take a medication. Maybe now he really thinks I’m crazy. I don’t know. I’ll just have to sit with the uneasiness and see what happens. And I’ll go to the meeting tomorrow and we’ll see if he acts strange with me still.
This is why I hate relationships and people. You just never know what they’re thinking and they never want to tell you when the situation gets any bit difficult. And all relationships get difficult at some point or another.
I hope I didn’t scare him off. I hate when I share myself with others and they run. It seems to happen pretty often. I don’t really know why, maybe I’m too honest and too forward or something. I can’t figure it out. Maybe it’s because I’m such an intense person. Who knows? I can only speculate and that brings me nothing but pain because I always seem to speculate negatively.
I just take so much stuff personally and it really hurts me. I don’t know how to not take things personally though. I want to figure it out and I’m hoping Buddhism will lead me somewhere close to some answers. Any answers that make sense. Ohh boy. Sigh.
I feel like everyone else is out having a good weekend and I am sitting at home by myself, looking on all my computer accounts just hoping that somebody wrote me something.
I’m just so sick of people with whom I say one “wrong” thing and they’re gone with the wind. And I’m sick of looking at pictures of people my age in bars and in weddings and with babies. I’m sick of it. I guess that would be a good reason to stay off Facebook then, wouldn’t it?!
Here I am, sitting at my parents’ house, home alone again on a Saturday night. When ohh when will my life take flight? When this book is finally published? Is that when my life will begin? Has it already begun and I just don’t know it yet? Ohh what a sad little life I live.
I don’t really have a whole lot else to say. I keep thinking about Mary Scott and her baby girl Layla. I keep thinking how we were the best of friends and then everything fell apart. I fell apart. And the wind blew through us and time flew by and now we’re no longer close and I regret losing our friendship. So many friendships I regret losing.
That’s what I seem to do best. Lost relationships. I am an expert at withdrawal. But when I try to let people in they run, so I don’t know where that leaves me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to live my life, I don’t know what decisions to make, I don’t know. I just don’t know.
I feel the tears brew in my eyes, run down my cheeks and fall onto my chest and my heart aches for all that I’ve lost. All the people I’ve loved and lost. And now they want to see what I’m up to, what I look like, but only a superficial relationship. I lost my chance. I fell apart and could not tell them. I didn’t know how to share my ugly self with others. And who wants to know another’s ugly truth anyways? Who even wants to know the truth? No one, I think, except for me.
I don’t even know if there is truth anymore. I don’t know what I’m looking for.