Reflection from October 23, 2008 @ 27 Years Old
RE: THE DEFINITION OF SUCCESS
I’ve been feeling very out of place, very defective lately. I thought I saw a girl from high school today at the mall and damn near had a heart attack. I panicked and had to get out sight because I felt like I looked like a slob and had nothing to be proud of and nothing I would want to share. I didn’t want to say hello, suffice it to say.
This girl, she beat me out for best looking in high school. She’s got long blonde bouncy curls and had the cutest little work outfit on, pale brown pants with a flowy white shirt and a purple vest on. It sounds pretty horrid come to think of it, but rest assured she looked beautiful. I looked at her from one angle and then kept walking around the store trying to get a better view of her outfit and then she looked familiar and I booked it into the dressing rooms.
I don’t know, I just feel ashamed of myself and ashamed of my life. I feel so alone, no friends around and non-existent social and romantic lives. It makes me want to hide myself away from the world. It leaves me feeling deflated and unusual in the worst sense.
This was one of the popular girls who won crowns for homecoming and prom, one of those girls that girls like me love to hate. Or maybe I hate to love her. I don’t know. Confused is the other main emotion I feel lately too, if that’s even an emotion at all. And my thoughts feel discombobulated and slightly irate. I’m not sure what to do with myself.
I largely define success in terms of relationships, and that’s mostly why I feel like such a failure. I’ve no friendships in the near vicinity, I’ve no significant other, and I don’t think I have the confidence to even stand proud of myself in the face of love. I’d merely cower away, tail between my legs.
I don’t know why social relationships are so difficult for me, but they most definitely are. I suppose I have great relationships with most of my immediate family and for that I am proud and I am thankful. But in terms of my autonomous being, I am lost and I am empty. How, after all these years, do I still find myself coming up short? Why am I simply not good enough?