ON BEING GOOD ENOUGH – Why Relationships Matter

Reflection from October 23, 2008 @ 27 Years Old

RE:  THE DEFINITION OF SUCCESS

I’ve been feeling very out of place, very defective lately.  I thought I saw a girl from high school today at the mall and damn near had a heart attack.  I panicked and had to get out sight because I felt like I looked like a slob and had nothing to be proud of and nothing I would want to share.  I didn’t want to say hello, suffice it to say.

This girl, she beat me out for best looking in high school.  She’s got long blonde bouncy curls and had the cutest little work outfit on, pale brown pants with a flowy white shirt and a purple vest on.  It sounds pretty horrid come to think of it, but rest assured she looked beautiful.  I looked at her from one angle and then kept walking around the store trying to get a better view of her outfit and then she looked familiar and I booked it into the dressing rooms.

I don’t know, I just feel ashamed of myself and ashamed of my life.  I feel so alone, no friends around and non-existent social and romantic lives.  It makes me want to hide myself away from the world.  It leaves me feeling deflated and unusual in the worst sense.

This was one of the popular girls who won crowns for homecoming and prom, one of those girls that girls like me love to hate.  Or maybe I hate to love her.  I don’t know.  Confused is the other main emotion I feel lately too, if that’s even an emotion at all.  And my thoughts feel discombobulated and slightly irate.  I’m not sure what to do with myself.

I largely define success in terms of relationships, and that’s mostly why I feel like such a failure.  I’ve no friendships in the near vicinity, I’ve no significant other, and I don’t think I have the confidence to even stand proud of myself in the face of love.  I’d merely cower away, tail between my legs.

I don’t know why social relationships are so difficult for me, but they most definitely are.  I suppose I have great relationships with most of my immediate family and for that I am proud and I am thankful.  But in terms of my autonomous being, I am lost and I am empty.  How, after all these years, do I still find myself coming up short?  Why am I simply not good enough?

11 thoughts on “ON BEING GOOD ENOUGH – Why Relationships Matter

  1. Kyrielle, in my view, you ought to believe in yourself. If you strongly believe that you are beautiful, intelligent and smart, so would the rest of the world one day. Everything that happens to us is often a reflection of what we believe about ourselves. We can neither outperform our own level of self-esteem, nor draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth. Secondly, again in my view, you mustn’t allow other people to either dilute or poison your day with their views, words or opinions about you.

    I strongly feel that if you stand strong with your belief in yourself and ensure your journey through your day is without attachment to the validation of others, you will surely notice the difference. These are my two cents as a well-wisher…..

    With Best Wishes.

    -Deo
    http://dshenai.wordpress.com/

    • It’s funny how much dissonance exists in this world, between the way it should be and the way it is. I’m telling you, it all comes down to $$. But I suppose that’s why they say the happiest are those without it. They don’t keep need, need, needing more and the brightest and the best. What a train wreck that is. In any case, I figure if I can stand confidently without others’ approval, then who needs it, and wouldn’t it be nice to have it, but likewise, would it really make much difference?

      Every artist has a body of work and almost just about every person in the world who likes an artist likes particular parts of the artist’s work, and other parts, not so much (except Led Zeppelin for me, they rock all the way around and back). So I think the key is to continue with the creation, regardless of what other people say. I will find myself in time.

      In the meantime I ordered about 20 books from Amazon on the subject (hahhah…well…a BUNCH of subjects relating thereto, but, OMG…talk about the need for a distraction from a final divorce hearing this morning! I was probably Amazon’s #1 customer between 11pm last night and 12 pm today.) Another chapter closed, a new one to open. So tired I keep hearing myself say, but the excitement too shall come, in it’s own good time. As it’s been said, in the meantime, let it be.

  2. You can spend your whole life trying to find the perfect blossom and it will be a life well spent. But in the end, you may come to realize, they were all perfect (and you are too).

    To mix metaphors: fan the spark of your own life and let that flame light the world.

    Most of all, just keep writing! (for yourself, not for us)

    • You know, it’s a funny thing how humans are always seeking the validation of others (or at least I find that to be the case and try to fight it or rationalize my way logistically out of it in an effort to be healthy and autonomous enough).

      There’s this song by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis called “Make the Money” which reminds me of this. Macklemore says something to the effect of “Yeah I questioned if I could go the distance, but that’s just the work regardless of who’s listening.” I forget that so often, though I know how very true it is. He also says something like “painters weren’t great because at birth they could paint, painters were great because they paint a lot.”

      It’s the love, I’ve gotta let it replace the fear. Always easier said than done, at least in the beginning ;0). Thanks for your comment and support, it means a lot to me.

  3. I react much the same way when I see people I know…anywhere.

    I don’t like small talk. I’m not a social person. I don’t believe relationships define success. I believe YOU define your success. It is whatever you want it to be and whatever you make it.

    You are good enough. You just have to believe it.

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