Reflection from April 4, 2009 @ 27 Years Old
CULTIVATING BEAUTY – What It’s All About
This book will not merely contain a recitation of all the bipolar symptoms you can find explicated anywhere on the Internet. Rather, the focus will be on the mental processes leading up to these physical symptoms. Such an in depth analysis of a bipolar mind has never been conducted and published at large for the public to see. This book could bring about much understanding and alleviate much of the additional suffering bipolar persons feel, being isolated from other people who do not yet comprehend what it’s like to live with this ugly illness.
It’s the craziest thing. One minute I’m so embarrassed of my life I want to die, and the very next day I’m so proud of my life I wouldn’t give it up to be any other person in this entire world.
If I could just see past what all my peers are doing, see past all of their judgment (or my own) that there must be something wrong with me because I’m not following the “typical” pattern of life, then I think I could truly be a very happy person.
And for that matter, maybe having money right now would be clouding my entire being. It would make it so much easier for me to hide from what is painful, which is in reality, one, if not the most important parts of being. Maybe that’s why I have no money right now and live with my parents and suffer because I’m so different. Maybe it’s because otherwise I would have none of these feelings and absolutely no motivation to sit down and write about them.
I want to represent for all of those, bipolar or not, who are judged and misunderstood because “normal” people can’t “get” what it’s like to live a life that is different from the norm. I think though, most importantly, I want to represent for myself.
Some people were just born to struggle. They’re called artists. It’s no surprise that all my best work comes from the times I’ve struggled most in my life and thankfully, being bipolar, I have a life full of struggle and toil ahead of me. I can kill myself because I can’t stand the pain, or I can live and make art stemming through the pain, breaking it down and then building it back up again into something beautiful. I choose life. I choose to live for this opportunity to cultivate my beauty.