It felt like fall today. It’s the first time this season. The air was cool, the windows could be opened, the air once more felt from the inside. It’s one of the last “firsts” without him. That’s what they tell you – you just have to get through all the firsts without them, and then things will get easier. Then life will get easier.
I loathe to write this even, amidst the ugly divorce that ensued, the cruelty shown. But when I feel the cool air on my skin and breath it deep into my lungs I think of fall, and it helps me to remember the good in him I used to love so much. The good that is now missing from my life.
I talk about forgetting a lot…forgetting those “things” that are so wise to remember, but so easy to forget. I believe that is all a part of the process of “cultivating beauty”. In this instance, one more lesson learned again, that nothing in life lasts forever. That everything has a beginning, a middle and an end.
I believe that all human beings possess both good and evil. I believe that we each have a self-will by which we may choose which of the two will succumb. I believe that we are all subjects of fate, but that with our self-will, we can help define the paths we weave through our destinies into that which will ultimately be in the end. I believe that we have chances to appreciate the good that we find in life as we find it, if we are able to be conscious of it when it does come by.
I hear children playing outside and think of the seasons, how life is so cyclical and yet always changing, and I wonder, why must it be so painful?
But then I remember, I have a choice here, just one more lesson to re-learn – that in order to feel the good, it is necessary also, to accept the pain.