Reflection from July 30, 2002 @ 21 Years Old
Well, I finished my pretty purple journal and was all ready to start on my beautiful red leather-bound journal my mom got for me…but couldn’t do it. I guess for reasons like I didn’t feel very worthy, or at least I didn’t feel like my thoughts and words were worthy enough yet to fill a book so beautiful.
I have been feeling as though I have been in a massive state of flux lately and I feel like I have just been thinking all kinds of ridiculous thoughts. And I have so much that is going well for me at the moment and yet lately I just have been feeling like I want to crawl up by myself in bed and just wake up five years later and see where I am. And then possibly just go back to sleep and wake up another four years later when it’s time to start having babies. Ohh if it could be so simple.
So anyways, I opted out for the younger looking journal I got for my 21st from Stella. I feel like I am allowed to be more sloppy and messy and young and naïve and stupid in this one, so that’s how I chose, because that is how I have been feeling lately.
Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I have been around for over two decades now and I myself still feel like an idiot. Blind to things that I should be able to see, stung by things when I should have seen it coming and ohh the list could go on.
But I am happy now that I chose this journal for the next stages of my life because I like thinking that I can be messy and irrational and just however I want to be…in words and thought of course…and not have to worry about the consequences. Because really all you (I) need sometimes is to just get it all out, no matter how stupid/naïve/irrational/brilliant/confused/etc. I may sound.
Sometimes I wonder why I like to write. And I also wonder why other people don’t like to write. And I don’t understand why I like this writing, but I can’t stand writing for school. Maybe because I don’t have to research, but then again my life is my research for these journals.
Ohh and there is another thing too. I don’t understand why human life has to be a constant struggle to remain in balance…to stay in the gray because if you are all black or all white then you clearly aren’t going to fit in anywhere, which just plain blows. But I suppose it is way better than fitting in with the mere cost of an ugly heart. Who knows?