Reflection from May 16, 2001 @ 19 Years Old
RE: THE EFFECT OF UNRESOLVED EMOTIONAL ISSUES ON A DREAMER
I think…no…I can’t even start this right. Ugh. I can’t say that I hate my parents…I don’t. But if I had to pinpoint the one thing I hated most about them, I think it’s how they pretend to be wealthy. To this day, I still haven’t figured out if we are really tight for money or what. It’s frustrating though. Sometimes, a lot of the times, I don’t feel like I fit in…still. I thought that was supposed to end with middle school and adolescence? I guess maybe it just never ends.
I can’t even really say how I feel right now. I had the opportunity to go to Martha’s Vineyard for the month of June with Gillian, etc. My mom thought it was crazy but that it would be a great experience for me. My father just said no. I hate how with parents, they know. They know all of your faults because they have seen them time and again. And yet I still can’t see what they see…I think though, now, it’s more because I don’t want to see what I know they can see, even though I could if I wanted to.
It’s like admitting defeat though or something. I just can’t let it get through because then I’ll know for sure I am a failure at everything. At least this way I can just dismiss my parents as “stupid” and move on with my life. But I have no life here. I hate it here. It’s so lonely and I want to kill myself when my mother makes comments to strangers such as “sure she’s not busy…she doesn’t have a boyfriend so she has all the time in the world.”
It’s like it’s already getting to that point. Like, why aren’t you dating anyone, you’re still single? Oh yeah, that’s Kyrielle – she’ll always be single.
I think the reason I’m so annoyed with Kayleigh right now is similar to the problem with my father. They both know, Derrick and Harrison and Halle know. Stella knows that I can’t stick with anything. I dream big…but too big. I never know how to get myself anywhere. I don’t know how to find out either. And the worst part is…I don’t care. I don’t know why, but I can’t. I don’t know how to. Or I haven’t found anything important enough yet.
See Also –
Regarding Cultivating Beauty –