ON SADNESS – When Everyone Around You Is Moving Forward, While All You Can Do Is Stand Still

Reflection from January 23, 2008 @ 26 Years Old

RE: THE DIFFICULTIES OF THINKING YOURSELF OUT OF A DEPRESSION

Ohh I feel low. I was feeling particularly high last night and called June, Anastasia, Halle and Gabrielle, and left messages for them all. Not a one available, but I can’t blame them…I often don’t pick up my phone.

Anyways, Ana’s getting married in Cancun, interestingly enough Caleb and Lainey just got passports to vacation together in Cancun, Stella goes on weekend trips to NYC with her husband, Gabby’s buying a house and waiting on an engagement ring from her significant other…it’s all just depressing as hell. Everyone’s so…getting started with their lives and doing things that apparently seem to matter to me, and I’m sitting here wanting to commit suicide and I’m in debt over $135,000 for school loans.

I severely wonder whether going to law school was a bad idea now. I know the idea is that it will be great for my future, but it sucks right now, life’s sucked the last four years, I can’t see any way out of my debt, I can barely pay my bills, I have more student loans coming due this April, I’m living with my parents, I suck at my job…I don’t know.

I’m sure life could be so much worse than it is for me right now, I could lose an arm or a leg or go blind or have my face mauled or lose a loved one or lose my job or a million things more, but somehow there’s not much getting around the fact that my life is not what I wanted it to be. Or rather, it’s not yet what I would like it to be, and I’m young and have worked so hard and come so far and have really set myself up for a wonderful future in the long run, and have learned so much about myself and have so much material with which to write this damn book I want to write one day…and yet somehow I’m left wanting in a very desperate way.

12 thoughts on “ON SADNESS – When Everyone Around You Is Moving Forward, While All You Can Do Is Stand Still

  1. I didn’t want to “like” your post because it’s definitely no fun feeling down. I hope you find something motivating to hope for. I do know how you feel. I felt this way after I completed graduate school. It does get better, I promise. Sometimes we have to go through “a funk” for whatever reason it may be significant to our life. I hope you keep writing so you can write your book, too!
    And oh can I relate to the student loans. I have student loans out the ying yang and they set the payments to over $600! Yeah right! It’s maddening!!

    • Jenn! Thank you ;0) You are so sweet and I so very much appreciate your support.

      I wanted to ask you though, if you could see my response below back to annetbell? It has to do with an issue I am having with the blog, in terms of the timing at which each of my posts has been written (present “posting” date versus past “reflection” dates). Let me know if you have any suggestions as well. I would greatly appreciate any suggestions, insight and/or constructive criticism you might have.

      Also, two more things quick before I go to bed. First, yes, the student loan thing, it’s just ridiculous! Out of control! And the cost for college these days too is just ballooning up and up, it’s crazy.

      And lastly, I just wanted to let you know, I did find something motivating to hope for ;0) At first it was love, which got me out of this funk that you see in the above entry. Then that went sour (long story), but the writing I stuck with. And I’m still working on the book – this blog is actually helping greatly to get the kinks out of my idea so that I can finish it up.

      I still have a great deal of work to do, but it keeps getting better and better. It’s been like a puzzle, just trying to find all the right pieces to figure out how to put it all together. I love it though. There’s nothing I enjoy more, except perhaps receiving feedback like yours.

      Thank you again for your support ;0)

      • Oh! I am so sorry! I didn’t see the date you actually wrote this post! Silly me! Thank you for pointing that out to me! I am glad you are out of the funk! :)

        As for the posting dates/reflection dates, my opinion is to put the reflection date in bold and perhaps a different color so it stands out to your readers and they understand the writing was written on a different date. Or maybe at the end of your writing put the reflection date again and make it a hyperlink to the page you created that explains how you post old journal/writing entries in real time.
        Or you could even have a special note at the end of your blog post that is one to two sentences long briefly explaining “this piece was written on xx/xx/xxxx…” etc.
        Hope my suggestion helps, and again I apologize I misunderstood the actual date of the writing piece. :)

        I think your writing is beautiful and I also think it’s great you are sharing your excerpts on your blog and seeking feedback! I think you will do really well with your book. I am happy for you! I really admire writers. I’ve always dreamed of writing, myself, but I’m too shy and also too busy with my children. Maybe when they are older (and so am I). Keep writing! You’re doing so well! :)

        • Ohh man thank you! And all good suggestions, I will get on that. I appreciate it ;0)

          And FYI, I’m intrigued by your role as the spouse of a soldier. It’s a unique perspective that I think a lot of people never get to see, myself included. So I feel lucky to get to read about your experiences. Don’t sell yourself short.

          That being said, though, whew! Three kids?! I don’t have any but my brother and sister-in-law have two…lots of work!! But lots of joy too ;0) How far apart are your three?

          • You’re welcome! Hope it helps!
            Thank you for your kind words (and observation) about my being a military spouse. :) Being a military spouse is very interesting. Ha! Right now we’re dealing with my husband’s leg injury and it’s having such a HUGE effect on our live. Not to mention, he’s having to deal with his injury and focus on recovery and the future of his career.
            So I’m experiencing another spectrum of the army– the wounded soldier side. It’s just completely different. Many frustrations! And it has made me truly appreciate current and past service men and women. I kind of took it all for granted prior to my husband’s injury. I just have a greater appreciation for service members and all that they must endure in the service. I honestly don’t discuss military life outside of my writing. So I rely on my writing about my life as a military spouse as a way to deal with any emotions I am feeling and have a better understanding of everything, especially with my husband’s injury.

            My older two children are two years apart (13 and 11), while my youngest is 10 months old! Ha! Such a huge age gap. I get to experience the teen years and baby years simultaneously! Fun stuff! haha!

            • Ohh boy! Two teenagers and a two-year-old should be fun! ;0)

              No seriously though, I am so sorry to hear about your husband’s injury and do hope he is healing well. I can’t even imagine the stress you must go through living within that lifestyle and it fascinates me because I’ve no other inside image of it (except perhaps television, but I’m not so into watching TV at the moment). I really just started thinking about it all because I saw that Time magazine about losing as many soldiers here at home as we are over in the war. I want to volunteer or something, I feel like I might have something to contribute somewhere. It’s just one of those jobs I would never ever want to do myself, but am so thankful that we have people who do. I greatly appreciate and respect the service soldiers and their families provide, and the sacrifices they must make in order to fulfill those roles. The whole idea of it just intrigues me.

    • Eli,

      Thank you for the comment ;0) I just re-read your about page and then remembered specifically why I liked you so much! This stuff falls right into your category and yes, writing has always been a source of therapy for me.

      I sometimes have difficulty processing emotions if they become too intense due to the bipolar condition and aggravating external factors, however I’ve been doing much better between my current mix of medication, talk-therapy, writing, and now blogging too. Sometimes when the emotion is so intense, I begin to think in circles and it can become difficult to break out. I find that writing is the key to breaking out. I would loathe to sit still and write the same sentence over and over again, the same paragraph or whatever you know, over and over again. And so for some reason writing has just helped me work through so much. It’s given me meaning when I was not able to find it immediately any place else. I am just thankful that I love it so much.

      That being said, I am also thankful to now be at a place in my life where I am able to share my writing with others as well. Acknowledgment such as yours is the whipped cream and cherry on top ;0)

      Thank you again.

    • Anne, Thank You.

      Your heartfelt concern is overwhelming and appreciated, more so than I can express in words.

      I do want to direct you though, to my “about me” page here – https://thecultivationofbeauty.com/about-me/

      I explain more fully there, but I’m glad this is coming up now, because I need to address it more clearly for the future.

      I actually wrote the entry above back on 1/23/2008, just after I had graduated from law school the prior year in 5/2007. I was incredibly depressed then and I just cannot tell you, I so very much wish I would have had this blog back then and been able to connect with people like you who have been so incredibly supportive.

      I have since worked through that particular depression, thankfully. Well…it’s kind of a long story. I received a diagnosis of bipolar actually, in the fall of 2007, and then it was very, very long roller coaster ride to find the right combination of medications and dosages to help get the disorder under control. So what you see above is kind of when I am in the beginning of that process, just after the official diagnosis came in October 2007.

      I do note at the top of each post the date that it was written, if not written on the present date of the actual posting. For instance, at the top of this one, it says “reflection from 1/23/2008 @ 26 Years Old”, which means I was 26 when I wrote it (but I’m 32 now). That method has confused a few people now though, and I’m trying to figure out how best to make clear the time aspect of the blog.

      Do you think it would have been less confusing had I used an asterisk and then noted at the bottom that any entry marked as a “reflection” was written on the reflection date indicated and not the actual posting date? If you have any suggestions on how I could have been more clear, I would greatly appreciate any input you’re willing to offer.

      And thank you again for the support, I appreciate it with all my heart.

      • Wow, what a journey you have had. You are very brave in your transparency to share all this with bloggers. I love the analogy of beauty being born of suffering. As a Christian, I have read in scriptures that we are refined by fire. Those seem similar, don’t they? I thank you for taking so much time to help me understand. I look forward to reading more of your posts and getting to know you ! Blessings. . . . namste. . . .Anne

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