Reflection from January 23, 2008 @ 26 Years Old
RE: THE DIFFICULTIES OF THINKING YOURSELF OUT OF A DEPRESSION
Ohh I feel low. I was feeling particularly high last night and called June, Anastasia, Halle and Gabrielle, and left messages for them all. Not a one available, but I can’t blame them…I often don’t pick up my phone.
Anyways, Ana’s getting married in Cancun, interestingly enough Caleb and Lainey just got passports to vacation together in Cancun, Stella goes on weekend trips to NYC with her husband, Gabby’s buying a house and waiting on an engagement ring from her significant other…it’s all just depressing as hell. Everyone’s so…getting started with their lives and doing things that apparently seem to matter to me, and I’m sitting here wanting to commit suicide and I’m in debt over $135,000 for school loans.
I severely wonder whether going to law school was a bad idea now. I know the idea is that it will be great for my future, but it sucks right now, life’s sucked the last four years, I can’t see any way out of my debt, I can barely pay my bills, I have more student loans coming due this April, I’m living with my parents, I suck at my job…I don’t know.
I’m sure life could be so much worse than it is for me right now, I could lose an arm or a leg or go blind or have my face mauled or lose a loved one or lose my job or a million things more, but somehow there’s not much getting around the fact that my life is not what I wanted it to be. Or rather, it’s not yet what I would like it to be, and I’m young and have worked so hard and come so far and have really set myself up for a wonderful future in the long run, and have learned so much about myself and have so much material with which to write this damn book I want to write one day…and yet somehow I’m left wanting in a very desperate way.