Reflection from March 12, 2009**
RE: PAYMENT OF RECOGNITION TO OTHERS – STEP NO.1 IN THE PROCESS OF STOPPING THE INERTIA THAT WOULD OTHERWISE CAUSE YOU TO BECOME SOMEBODY YOU DON’T WANT TO BE
WRITTEN: 03/12/2009 @ AGE 27
I was thinking today at work, I’m really turning into a horribly spiteful, vengeful, jealous, angry bitch. And do you know why? Because I keep comparing myself to people who have more than I do.
I keep saying, poor poor Kyrie because she doesn’t have a house, or a baby or a diamond ring. Poor Kyrie because she has no friends and no significant other and is all alone on this cold, scary earth. Poor poor Kyrie. I keep saying. And I’m thinking I better do a goddamn something about it because I’m turning into a person that I don’t want to be.
I don’t want life worth to be contingent upon money, and yet I let it everyday. I don’t want to be angry and jealous of people I love because they have more than me, but I am everyday. I just get so frustrated because life is unfair and it seems like everyone else is already to the place they’ve always been waiting for, whereas I couldn’t be further from it. But a thought today really brought home the point for me.
I was thinking of Derrick, a former college friend, and I was thinking of him because Gabrielle brought him up in conversation today. Derrick fell in love with Erica, one of Gabby’s old tennis friends our junior year in college and they were married, ohh I don’t know, maybe a couple of years ago. Anyways, they’re just so blissfully happy together and their families all get along and they both make very good money I’m sure, especially Derrick.
And I found myself getting very angry at and jealous of Derrick because of all that he has, and I said to myself, “my god it’s so f@#king unfair that some people get it all and other people get nothing.” And then I remembered. And then I remembered that Derrick lost his father our freshman year in college and part of the reason I’m sure he’s making so much money right now is because his father’s friends all helped him when he was starting out after college. So as much as I want to hate him, I have to appreciate the fact that he too, has been through pain.
Now I am selfish and I want everyone else to suffer along with me because I don’t want to be alone in pain anymore. But I always must try to recognize that others have been through suffering too. And they will be through suffering again. They just aren’t suffering right now. I now believe that every human being suffers, now matter the set of circumstance each human being was born into.
Anyways, being angry at Derrick because his deceased father scored him more money would be like being mad at Kayleigh for having a car that was fully paid off for her as a result of her deceased brother’s life insurance proceeds. I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to hate other people, and yet lately that’s all I can seem to do. I don’t want to get jealous of what other people have and completely forget about all that it is that I have (albeit not financial), and yet I do all of the time.
I don’t want to be this person that I’m becoming. I don’t want life worth to be based upon money. All of my suffering stems from the fact that deep down inside right now I do believe that life worth is determined by money. I believe if you can take vacations and buy things and go out to fancy dinners and travel that life is more worth living. I already do believe this, but that’s not the kind of person I want to be. I’m becoming exactly the kind of person I don’t want to be. And I goddamn better do something about it quick because the longer I procrastinate, the harder it will be to pull myself out of this hellhole.
I used to always wonder why people turned into the kind of wretched people they turned out to be. I would think, you have ideals and you follow those ideals and you become the person you always wanted to be. But I had no idea the roadblocks and detours, the distractions and inevitable suffering that knock people off of their track. I had no idea. I still have no idea, but I know that I now never fault others so harshly for being the kinds of persons they wish they were not. Because it’s easy. It’s so easy to become someone you don’t want to be.
It’s hard to be the kind of person that lives within her ideals. But that is the person that I want to be. That is the person who I believe is worth fighting for. That is the person I am determined to become. To be anything else only adds to the suffering.
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