ON BEING A PERSON YOU DON’T WANT TO BE – And What To Do About It (Moving Forward)

Reflection from November 28, 2001**

RE:  PAYMENT OF RECOGNITION TO SELF – STEP NO.1 IN THE PROCESS OF STOPPING THE INERTIA THAT WOULD OTHERWISE CAUSE YOU TO BECOME SOMEBODY YOU DON’T WANT TO BE

WRITTEN:  11/28/2001 @ AGE 19

You know those times you sometimes go through when you just feel like a horrible excuse for a human being?  Well this is definitely one of those times…or at least one of those days!  I just finished reading “Little Alters Everywhere” and it made me realize how very materialistic I am which sucks, because I don’t want to be like that at all you know.  But then it’s like, how do I not be like that?  How do you change and where do you begin?  Aww who knows these things you know?  If it were only that simple.

And I feel like I have lost Gillian for good to Kauzi and overall evil in general and it sucks.  I feel like I have been betrayed by a friend, but at the same time I feel like I haven’t been the best of friends myself.  Ugh!

**THIS BLOG CONTAINS POSTINGS OF REAL-TIME JOURNAL ENTRIES AS THEY RELATE TO THE OVERALL PURPOSE OF THIS BLOG.  AS SUCH, PLEASE NOTE THAT ANY POST MARKED AT THE TOP WITH A “REFLECTION” DATE WAS WRITTEN ON THE REFLECTION DATE, NOT ON THE DATE IT WAS POSTED TO THIS BLOG.  IN ADDITION, PLEASE NOTE THAT NAMES AND OTHER DETAILS HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE PRIVACY OF THOSE REFERENCED WITHIN.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, PLEASE VISIT MY DISCLAIMER PAGE.

7 thoughts on “ON BEING A PERSON YOU DON’T WANT TO BE – And What To Do About It (Moving Forward)

  1. You make me want to go back and look through all the teenage rants I have produced over the years. Similar to you, I was 18 in 2001 and that was a very trying time. With 9/11, people divided on issues that could cause friendships to crumble, just going into the 21st century, which started on 2001, people expected jet-packs and flying cars, instead we get a national tragedy, gas crisis, war, and the iPhone. I served in Iraq from 2008-2009 and I have to say there was no reason for anyone to be there. Anyway, off topic, isn’t it neat to see how much you have grown since then? My grandmother tells me that she believes she is a totally different human being at her age now, 93. I think the older we are, the more we change drastically, and the more we realize that we literally are not the same person as yesterday. Would you consider yourself being the same person at age 7, 18, 26? Sometimes I can 180 degree my belief systems, values, and ideas in a week. Keep posting Kyrielle! Love your stuff. And do help me pronounce your name!

    • You know, that’s an interesting thought, one that I’ve been thinking about quite a bit myself as of late.

      My gut presumption is that this is too simple an explanation – but I really do believe that all people in this world either do, or will eventually fall, into one of two categories – either (1) those who value humanity over money, or (2) those who value money over the general welfare of human beings.

      I have found in life as a now 30-something, that most everyone I know this age or older falls into one of those two categories, on a sliding scale of course, but quite generally I think this is why:

      I think the difference really lies in the source from which one derives his or her sense of self-worth. If it is derived from within, typically those people have a connection to some sort of open-minded spirituality and higher power, and an acceptance of humankind in all it’s frailties, from which a sense of empathy ultimately evolves.

      Whereas those who derive self-worth from something outside of themselves (typically money and the things money can buy), tend to lack empathy and rather always hold a potential for evil which lurks inside, and springs forth upon any threat to that external source of self-worth. Does that make sense? It’s just the second time I’ve tried to verbalize that thought, so I’m not sure how well yet I am articulating myself. Sometimes it takes many loops to get it right.

      Anyways, in my experience, it seems that those who have the internal self-worth are capable and do achieve great strides in terms of inner growth, while at the same time hold still certain core values which may be questioned, but typically remain relatively stable after a certain point (i.e. after they have been questioned and conclusions have arrived).

      Whereas on the other hand, with the others, it is becoming apparent that their insides slowly grow stale over time (or something to that effect), and their core values differ always depending on the stability of that external source of self-worth and their parameter to it. Ughh so wordy…I hate when I am this wordy!

      But anyways, no, as for me personally, I have found that I’ve always had a certain set of ideals which I kind of grew into and grew to understand fully for the first time when I was in college. But at that point and really all through my 20s, I did not yet have the experience and support needed to remain consistent in action to myself and to those values that I held.

      I am 32 now, and I am just starting to feel that I have the requisite knowledge and capability to support my values and beliefs 100% of the time. Or better said, in 100% of the different capacities that I encompass in my life (i.e. adult, woman, daughter, sister, employee, attorney, friend, aunt, etc.).

      So I am going to stop myself now because, if I don’t, I will just keep going. Bet you’re sorry that you asked now hah! ;0)

      But I do hope that the above somehow answers your question, I do thank you for listening, and do let me know if you go back and read, what it is that you find! It’s really a neat thing to be able to do! Gives a great amount of perspective to life.

  2. I like your new disclaimer within your post! :) Did you keep many journals throughout your life? I know I did. I kept diaries and journals when I was young and in my twenties. I still have my journals from my twenties! I discovered them a couple of months ago and I was so shocked at how many journals I had!! I used to think I was silly for writing in them, but now I am so happy I did!

    • Ohh boy did I ever! Yes, I am so happy I did not too ;0) I only have them back to July of 2000 when I was 19, but I’ve been writing them all my life because writing was one of the things that always helped me to think through my emotions with the extremity caused by the bipolar disorder. But I only did so because I just absolutely loved writing. I don’t think I would have had the patience otherwise.

      That’s what I hear from a lot of people who I’ve told about it, that they wouldn’t have the patience for it. There’s this song by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis on their album The Heist (it’s really good, a social commentary on American society as of present-date) called 10 Thousand Hours where he says, “Painters aren’t great b/c at birth they could paint, painters are great b/c they paint a lot!” That kind of made me feel good about my writing, gave me more confidence. Two of my other favorites, well three are “Make the Money” which I quote here – https://thecultivationofbeauty.com/about-me/why-i-write/ – and then “Same Love” and “Victory Lap”. And of course Thrift Shop, which is a really funny song very much infused with social commentary about capitalism. I will warn though, there’s swearing unless you get the clean copy, just FYI if you want to listen and have kids around ;0)

      Aghh well anyways, I best get to work but it was nice to hear from you this morning!! And thanks for the note on the disclaimer…just trying to cover all my bases and help explain the premise and make things more clear and understandable. I have much organizing still to do here!!!

      Ohh yes and, have you gone back ever and read through your journals that you do have? Just curious, I’ve found it to be pretty interesting ;0)

  3. Not a problem…..before we can choose how we want to be influenced….we need clarity on how we are being influenced in the present moment. If we don’t agree with the influence, we begin to understand the purpose of opposing conditions. You have nothing to be guilty about. What you are experiencing is the awareness of your own inner growth. If we are seeking higher influences, we must also see the lesser influences. Otherwise, we have no perspective.

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