Reflection from April 19, 2011**
RE: LEARNING HOW TO OVERCOME THE FEAR OF BEING DIFFERENT
WRITTEN – 4/19/2011 @ AGE 29
Here I am, writing by the light of my green banker’s lamp, listening to the rain fall, wishing Cooper were excited to make a family with me. I know what the problem is. All I want to do is talk about it because I’m excited about it and want Cooper to be excited about it too. But the more I talk about it, the less and less excited Cooper becomes. It’s raining like mad outside.
We went to dinner tonight with 10 of his friends and I actually, surprisingly, had a nice time. I would dare say I almost had fun. Even in my slightly uncomfortable state, I guess that is light years more enjoyable than my typical extreme discomfort!
Tonight was the first night I wore my Star of David tattoo out as well, with skinny jeans and nude pumps. I looked very sexy, even just in my t-shirt, skinny jeans and pumps. I don’t know why I am talking like this, I just felt sexy as hell tonight.
It made me wonder whether I ought to be so sexy at my age. And in what circumstances if so – maybe not on a Tuesday night dinner at a nice restaurant with friends? I don’t know. There’s so much I do not know. I’m inclined to say it doesn’t really matter all that much though, in these circumstances. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I was inappropriately sexy, but I was highly sexy. Almost scandalously so!
So I just popped a Focalin, it’s half my dose for tomorrow. But I figured I would just get some work done since I can’t seem to sleep and it’s most beautifully thunder-storming out tonight.
You know, it’s funny how sometimes it’s so lovely to be different, and sometimes it’s just scary as hell.
There’s this crazy wind snarl going on outside, it’s like it’s complaining to me. Like it’s uncomfortable or something.
So I decided to act tonight, on my previous thought that, there are so many different people in the world, one of my children could be different, and I do not in any way believe that they should feel bad or ashamed to be that way. So I wore my Star of David out tonight. And it looked sexy as hell.
I don’t know that anyone noticed, I was nervous about it when there was any chance that someone could look down and see it, nervous as hell that someone would god forbid say something about it! But I wore it out anyways. I wore it for my children. I wore it to teach myself how not to be afraid of being different.
I want to learn how not to be afraid to be different. I’ve struggled with being different all my life, and I’m tired of hiding it and tired of being ashamed of it. It’s the very reason I am beautiful, it’s the very reason I am what is so rare in this world. It is why I am dark and mysterious, it is why I am light and funny, it is all of me. And I do not want to hide from it any more.
And so David will teach me, he will force me, if I let him, to show me that to be different is more than just okay.
**THIS BLOG CONTAINS POSTINGS OF REAL-TIME JOURNAL ENTRIES AS THEY RELATE TO THE OVERALL PURPOSE OF THIS BLOG. AS SUCH, PLEASE NOTE THAT ANY POST MARKED AT THE TOP WITH A “REFLECTION” DATE WAS WRITTEN ON THE REFLECTION DATE, NOT ON THE DATE IT WAS POSTED TO THIS BLOG. IN ADDITION, PLEASE NOTE THAT NAMES AND OTHER DETAILS HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE PRIVACY OF THOSE REFERENCED WITHIN. FOR MORE INFORMATION, PLEASE VISIT MY DISCLAIMER PAGE.