Reflection from September 21, 2008**
RE: FINDING BEAUTY AND STRENGTH WITHIN SADNESS
WRITTEN – 9/21/2008 @ AGE 27
I’m sitting at Starbucks and this very nice lady just shared with me that a 17-year-old boy killed himself last night, by sitting on the train tracks, waiting for a train to come and hit him.
I don’t know why she felt so compelled as to share this with me – she said it’s so sad and it is. It’s so strange having been there though, knowing what it’s like to have no hope, to have life’s circumstances bear so heavily upon me as to crush my shoulders and break my spin and leave no room for my heart and no space for my soul to fluster.
I know what this is like. Not so to the point that I’ve actually killed myself, obviously, but I know what it’s like to want to kill myself. To chronically want to kill myself. It’s so sad that America’s youth, who should be so filled with wonder of the world and carefree and bursting with opportunity, to rather be killing themselves because the future is so very bleak. Something is very wrong with this picture.
But how can we change? What can I do to effectuate change? It makes me so sad that such a young child’s fragility was so shaken to the core that he could not live to stand one more day. I’ve felt the loneliness and suffered from the mental illnesses that lead to such a conclusion. What can I do to help? I just don’t know. I don’t know where to start the possibilities are so great. But the possibilities are great and that’s reason enough to begin somewhere. Anywhere.
Could my writing effectuate change? Will it all be worthwhile in the end? I just do not know. I’d like to try’n find out though. This I know for sure.
Let me ask you this…do you ever feel like you’re a person who does stupid shit all the time, just because you don’t know any better? It’s like it’s no fault of my own, I just keep making stupid decisions. Like the one that comes to mind immediately is that I got this stupid Victoria’s Secret Angels underwear which rides up my rear end unless I happen to be wearing jeans. In any other circumstance they don’t work out. And I have six pairs of these stupid panties. So they’re pretty much useless since I never have the occasion usually to wear jeans. So it was just such a waste of money and I hate when I do that, when I waste money. But it happens all the time and I feel like I just can’t help it.
I’ve been texting with Tommy again since yesterday and I just asked him if he could grab me a bag next time he has access to any. He hasn’t responded yet but I did have an ideal set of circumstances to bring up the request, as he asked me why life has been sucky and I said because all I do is work and because I’m all out of green. So. We’ll see what he says.
But I don’t know, he said Sam’s been looking to get some weed for weeks now and hasn’t had any luck, so we’ll see what happens. I figure if Tommy tries to hit on me, at least I’ll only be around one day. I think I can handle one day, especially because I’ll be there to visit with Kayleigh, not him. Though I will be cordial because he is doing me a favor and all if it works out.
The last time I got a text from him while at Kayleigh’s he asked me if I wanted to go out for breakfast and I showed Kayleigh and said isn’t that crazy? And do you know she said no it’s not crazy, he’s just into me like so many other guys. I guess it’s just all the more evidence that I need to learn better how to let guys down gracefully and with kindness and compassion. Because if I were going to be let down, that’s the way I’d wanna be put down. With grace, kindness and compassion. Hmm. So much to think about isn’t it?
Remember Ian? The first one…law school Ian. He’s getting married. I saw on Sam and Kayleigh’s refrigerator. They’re invited. Just one more reminder of how far behind I am. Just one more reminder of how unhappy I am. Just one more reminder that I am not one who will be saved. So many get saved in the end, but I am not one of them.
I must save myself in the end. I must peril at the door of death or I must save myself in the end.
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