REFLECTION FROM AUGUST 24TH, 2013**
WRITTEN – 8/24/2013 @ AGE 32
It’s funny, isn’t it, how I can get up like it’s nothing at 4am on a weekend, but for some reason it’s like pulling bricks out of sand to get me up during the weekdays. I hate it. But sometimes you have to work within what you’ve got, I think. Actually, a lot of times I think it’s necessary to work within what you’ve got. Otherwise you’re just spending an illusion, kind of like the illusion on my credit card statements right now. I guess that’s not so much illusion as is debt, but isn’t that just what debt is – an illusion that you had money, when you really didn’t? Well in any case, I must be illusory by now if so, with my amount of school loan debt for most sure.
I forgot why I sat down now to write, I think it was about the night terrors. I remember Aaliyah telling me that Aiden would get them, and now I’ve got them too. Except, I didn’t have any last night which was good, but I was only able to sleep from about 10:30pm to 3am due to what I believe to be, my subconscious fear. And I say “subconscious” because I knew I was really quite tired, but that’s not really true either because when I wake up and look at the news, I see all the night terrors coming true here in this country and the world at wide. So I’m not really sure what to think.
I really don’t know why I believe in such things as I do sometimes. I just posted the most personal essay to-date on The Cultivation of Beauty and I feel like I want to puke. I feel like people hate me, will hate me even more when they read it, will be offended by it, not see the charming innocence of it, etc. But what can I do? Either put it out there and stand naked before them, or hide myself away. I think I’d rather die than the latter to continue though, so I don’t know. I guess that leaves only one path.
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