ON CREATION – The Sensitive Soul

REFLECTION FROM AUGUST 24TH, 2013**

WRITTEN – 8/24/2013 @ AGE 32

It’s funny, isn’t it, how I can get up like it’s nothing at 4am on a weekend, but for some reason it’s like pulling bricks out of sand to get me up during the weekdays.  I hate it.  But sometimes you have to work within what you’ve got, I think.  Actually, a lot of times I think it’s necessary to work within what you’ve got.  Otherwise you’re just spending an illusion, kind of like the illusion on my credit card statements right now.  I guess that’s not so much illusion as is debt, but isn’t that just what debt is – an illusion that you had money, when you really didn’t?  Well in any case, I must be illusory by now if so, with my amount of school loan debt for most sure.

I forgot why I sat down now to write, I think it was about the night terrors.  I remember Aaliyah telling me that Aiden would get them, and now I’ve got them too.  Except, I didn’t have any last night which was good, but I was only able to sleep from about 10:30pm to 3am due to what I believe to be, my subconscious fear.  And I say “subconscious” because I knew I was really quite tired, but that’s not really true either because when I wake up and look at the news, I see all the night terrors coming true here in this country and the world at wide.  So I’m not really sure what to think.

Later

I really don’t know why I believe in such things as I do sometimes.  I just posted the most personal essay to-date on The Cultivation of Beauty and I feel like I want to puke.  I feel like people hate me, will hate me even more when they read it, will be offended by it, not see the charming innocence of it, etc.  But what can I do?  Either put it out there and stand naked before them, or hide myself away.  I think I’d rather die than the latter to continue though, so I don’t know.  I guess that leaves only one path.

**THIS BLOG CONTAINS POSTINGS OF REAL-TIME JOURNAL ENTRIES AS THEY RELATE TO THE OVERALL PURPOSE OF THIS BLOG.  AS SUCH, PLEASE NOTE THAT ANY POST MARKED AT THE TOP WITH A “REFLECTION” DATE WAS WRITTEN ON THE REFLECTION DATE, NOT ON THE DATE IT WAS POSTED TO THIS BLOG.  IN ADDITION, PLEASE NOTE THAT NAMES AND OTHER DETAILS HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE PRIVACY OF THOSE REFERENCED WITHIN.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, PLEASE VISIT MY DISCLAIMER PAGE.

Thoughts?

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