REFLECTION FROM APRIL 10TH, 2009**
RE: FEELING DEFECTIVE AND INSECURE / FALLING BEHIND IN THE RACE
WRITTEN – 4/10/2009 @ AGE 27
Hey. It’s been awhile. I’ve been insecure as ever. I wrote Addison Hatfield today and told her all about my life – well…not all about my life, but I told her I got sick in law school and it took me four years to graduate and I couldn’t take the bar exam, and I told her about my job and how it’s a “good opportunity”, and I told her about plan A, and I said that the book’s about a girl who is bipolar and the things that she goes through. I said, “it’s very familiar to me if you know what I mean.” I wonder if she’ll get that it’s about me.
Anyways, it makes me uneasy sharing my life with others. It makes me very uneasy. I told Marc today (the leader of the Buddhist meditation group I’ve been going to) that part of the reason I feel so stupid lately is because I can’t remember simple things, and I said I think I’ve been having problems with my memory because of a medication that I have to take. Did I really have to tell Addison I was bipolar and Marc that I take medication? Did I? Or was I supposed to hide that information? It’s hard because taking medication and being bipolar is such an intricate part of my life, it’s just hard to separate it and tuck it away from the world so that I can appear perfect and untouchable.
When I talk to people, I find that I ask them personal questions. I think they wonder why I would ask things like that, though I could be wrong because I really have no idea what they are thinking. Anyways, I ask personal questions because I’m interested in personal details, not the stupid bullshit that people usually shoot around. I feel like people think I’m weird because I do ask personal questions and because I am marred with bipolar and medication. If I let them in, won’t they think I’m even more strange and then run?
I find that I’m also a very intense person. I think this turns most people off. I don’t think they can handle it. But really, I’m attributing all my own experience to all of these other people who might be so super nice and who could maybe just love me as I am. I have to wade through the people who will run from me to get to the people who will love me as I am. I hate that.
Mary Scott has a baby girl named Layla. Can you believe it? I don’t even know what to say. I want to be happy for her, but instead I am partly envious of her and where she is in her life, because I think that’s maybe where I would like to be in my life. I’m comparing my life to hers. I wish to find a wonderful man and get married and make babies together, and I just might have that. I might get more than I ever could have hoped for. But there’s no way to tell for sure. I hate that too.
I feel like I have nothing pertinent to say. I’ll leave you with that then, and try to experience life in the present instead of dwelling on the past and worrying about the future. That’s very Buddhist of me…how very proud I am!
**THIS BLOG CONTAINS POSTINGS OF REAL-TIME JOURNAL ENTRIES AS THEY RELATE TO THE OVERALL PURPOSE OF THIS BLOG. AS SUCH, PLEASE NOTE THAT ANY POST MARKED AT THE TOP WITH A “REFLECTION” DATE WAS WRITTEN ON THE REFLECTION DATE, NOT ON THE DATE IT WAS POSTED TO THIS BLOG. IN ADDITION, PLEASE NOTE THAT NAMES AND OTHER DETAILS HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE PRIVACY OF THOSE REFERENCED WITHIN. FOR MORE INFORMATION, PLEASE VISIT MY DISCLAIMER PAGE.