REFLECTION FROM MARCH 18TH, 2008**
WRITTEN – 3/8/2008 @ AGE 26
Rain, rain, rain. All it’s done is rain today but it hasn’t rained my sorrows away. I felt bad when I went in to see Alyssa to get my haircut today because I was so goddamned depressed. I kept talking about such depressing things like how people are losing their jobs, and how the economy has gone to hell, and how my mom’s gym didn’t work out, and how depressing it was when my parents were in Minnesota, and how Gordon told me that at some point I have to stop being such a sweet young lady because people are going to come in to get estate planning advice and weave me into their goddamned scams and how the only thing everyone agrees on in a feuding family is that they all hate the goddamn lawyer.
I don’t want to be a lawyer. I don’t like my job – it’s boring as all sin and I don’t want to abandon my sweet self just so I can concentrate on winning because as Gordon said, lawsuits are not about what’s right, lawsuits are about winning. I don’t want to be a goddamned winner. I want to write and be a seeker of truth and I want to have time to find some good in this world. Gordon said I’m too young yet to see how ugly this world can be, but I really would have to disagree. I see all the ugliness – I have no problem with that. What I have a problem with is finding the good. I look and I look and everywhere I look I see evil and not good.
No I’m being dramatic because I feel depressed, but you know what I mean. It has definitely been raining and raining hard all day long and all day long I miss Dave. These days, all these days lately all day long I’ve missed Dave. This guy my mom’s friend wants to set me up with called me and left me a message and canceled on me for this Thursday (for which I’m kind of glad), and do you know I don’t want to go out and meet this guy because all I goddamn want to do is love Dave until the day I die? Do you know I want to die so I can have the closet opportunity I will ever get to reunite with him? Do you know how I miss him? I miss him to the core of each of my bones, and from the bottom of my heart and with every fiber of my being. I cry and I cry and it rains on me and still I cannot wash my sorrows away.
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