REFLECTION FROM APRIL 29TH, 2008**
RE: THE SEARCH FOR MEANING WITHIN AN OTHERWISE DISMAL OUTLOOK
WRITTEN – 4/29/2008 @ AGE 26
Did I ever tell you about my shitty-ass decision to go to law school? I mean it was great in theory and all, learn lots of new stuff – become a professional – makes lots of money (hah!), it seemed to be good logic and everything. Well, boy was I wrong! Now I hardly feel anything else except that it was a huge mistake, completely financially irresponsible, it just feels like it was a really fucking lousy idea. I mean, I’m 26, living with my parents, can’t even save money I’m stretched so thin, can barely pay my bills, I’m mentally ill, I feel terrible because I’ve abandoned my cats into the basement here. I’m a mess.
So I keep thinking…how is it that I am beautiful amongst all this goddamn messy fucking mess I’ve made of my life, how miserable I’ve been most of all these years, how unhappy I am with my life in it’s almost entirety, how the hell out of all of that does this beautiful creature spring forth? It makes me think of The Last Unicorn, how this absolute creature of beauty sustains through all the ugly red evil and black darkness of the world. This beautiful white stallion, magic no less, appears forth out of the cold gray forest. I am the unicorn; my life is the forest.
I am beautiful because somehow, someway I’ve been able to figure myself out enough to sustain in this world. I am beautiful because I hope in the face of ultimate disdain, and I believe that better days will be had. I am beautiful because I persevere through my darkness, in search of all that is right and all that is true. I am beautiful because I push and I push forward into this world, and it pushes back, it slaps me across the face and punches me in the stomach and burns cigarette holes into my flesh and knocks me over and kicks me in the side for good measure, and still, still I live on with hope for brighter days. I am beautiful because in all of my sadness, a light shines on through brighter than all the days the sun has shown upon this earth. I am beautiful because through all of my tears, I see the value in pain and suffering. I am beautiful because I see the beauty in all that suffers, in all the disappointment and heavy hearts hung out to dry, I see one, I see through to something white shining in the night. I am beautiful, in all my glory and in all my misery. I am beautiful.
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