REFLECTION FROM SEPTEMBER 1ST, 2007**
Re: Questioning Reality and the Value of an Oscillating Mind
WRITTEN – 9/1/2007 @ AGE 26
It’s funny, I’ve been thinking a lot about my Friday night one week back when I went out with Hunter and Stella for happy hour, at which point I was anything but happy. It’s funny because I’ve been thinking often lately in terms of metaphor, and the following I’ve come up with for vodka, and what it does to me.
Have you ever seen those clowns that jump out at you from a jack-in-the-box? You know, where you have the nice melody coming from the box, taking you round and round, and all of a sudden this scary fucking clown scares the hell out of you? Well when I drink vodka, it’s kind of like that. It’s like I’m sitting there drinking and waiting, waiting and drinking, and I keep getting glimpses of this damn clown from the corner of my eye. But never a good glance, just enough to see a rush of color that is inevitably part scary-ass clown. And then, after drinking more, this fucking clown jumps up right in front of me, and punches me in the face, and that’s it. I’m out for the night.
I’ll have no recollection of any events following the punch. And that’s what vodka does to me – time and again I’ve seen it happen. And it terrifies me more than anything else, yet for some reason, after enough time has passed, I always seem to come back to a place where I feel I’ll be safe from the clown. I feel I’ve matured enough to know, over two or seven months, enough to know that I can only have this many drinks and no shots. And yet once I start drinking, shots become a fabulous idea, something to share in the love I feel for the strangers surrounding me. Something perhaps, to believe in, when all else has failed, and then I’m taken out again inevitably, by this scary-ass fucking clown.
I’ve felt satiated with ideas and emotions lately. It’s hard to even sit down to write without feeling overwhelmed in that I just do not know where to begin. I’ve been thinking about so much lately, present, past and future. Dave’s been on my mind. I guess I’ve just been realizing finally, how out of touch with reality I really was with that whole situation. But the thing that really fucking drives me insane is that I’m sure it was not all in my head. I’m sure Dave had feelings for me because I can tell these things, and I can tell them especially with boys like him. But his life was all about distraction, and I think perhaps that it was true that he did have feelings for me, but in reality, he just didn’t know what to do with them, or how to treat me or how I would fit into his plans. I’m just still really not sure what the fuck happened with all of that, but I do believe thinking about it will bring me some sense of clarity, and hopefully some sense of closure in the end.
I’ve been thinking about Deacon lately and wondering how his job search is going. I saw the Nanny Diaries with my mom last week, which reminded me of him in that while he and I were watching TV at Stella’s we saw a commercial for that movie, and he commented on how hot Scarlet Johansson is. And his comment really irritated me, though I can’t say I disagree with him on the actual point. I think it irritated me because for some reason I have feelings for this boy I don’t even know, feelings that must be coming from somewhere in my past, because the present circumstances just do not rationally add up to my being attracted to him in this way.
And then also, I was thinking about Deacon because I was in Delaware this morning with my parents and we walked right by Ohio Wesleyan where Deacon went to college, and there were signs in the storefront windows welcoming the students back. It was enough to make me feel like crying, thinking I never even took the time to go visit him there. But then again, why would I have? After all, we were never really friends except through Dave. But then again, I didn’t really have all that many friends from high school as it were. I suppose my mind was just on other things.
But I won’t write to Deacon because it just does not seem appropriate. And for whatever reasons past or present, I most certainly have feelings for him that I do not want to act upon because I can tell just from the little interaction that we’ve had that a relationship with him would be destructive, at least for me. In our little communication, he has shown me that he is very self-involved, in that after I wrote to him the first thing that came to his mind was, why did you decide to write to me? As in, why did I decide to write to him…not hi, how are you, how are things going with you Kyrielle? But rather, why am I so special that someone like you would sit down and write to me? Or am I reading that wrong, and inflicting it with my own scorn and past anger? It’s so hard to tell sometimes!
Anyways, just by the fact that he said he would call, not only that, he said he would definitely call, and then didn’t, I can tell he’s not the type I am looking for. Or perhaps, unconsciously, he is exactly the type I am looking for – which is fucking scary and while I recognize this may be so, I want to stay as far away from him as possible. And yet all I want to do is get closer.
Do you see the irony of the struggles I deal with every day? Maybe “irony” isn’t the right word, but man can my insides get so mixed up from time to time. It drives me crazy that I seem constantly to want two starkly opposing things. I just don’t know what to do with myself at these times. It’s the emotions versus the rationale inside of me. Always differing – always pulling me in two different directions. I can’t stand it, and yet I feel that life might not be worth living without it. How can this be?
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