REFLECTION FROM APRIL 18TH, 2012**
WRITTEN – 4/18/2012 @ AGE 30
Okay, a couple things to say before I go eat my Chic-Fila. It’s gotta be quick though, before the Focalin sets in and I’m no longer able to eat it at all.
I actually thought of several ideas on the way home from Dr. Doisneau’s today, but they all, with the exception of one, have escaped me.
The one that does remain was this:
I actually don’t feel like writing at the moment, but to just briefly get the core down:
Creating this book I’m working on is, I was just thinking, somewhat, very much, akin to actually being pregnant. Now, I can expand later, but suffice it to say, there was a moment of conception in which a combination of outside forces and circumstance, and inside will and unconscious pull, all came together to conceive the seed of the idea. The seed is separate from me, but it is so close to almost virtual imperceptibility, that no one else even knew it was there, and even I myself was not sure what this thing was. I knew one thing and one thing only – that something had been created within me and I took on (i.e. accepted) the responsibility to figure out what it was, this thing unknown.
And so I begin that journey, upon the path of questions without answer, and all the while that I am walking, this thing is growing bigger and bigger inside of me. And to get to the point in the name of my Chic-Fila, the idea and I are two separate beings, and yet we are inextricably linked. And whatever force that it was, in this universe or beyond, is and will always remain relatively unbeknownst to me, with only one exception, being my knowledge, that for whatever reason (or perhaps none at all), in any case, whatever it was that caused this seed to be implanted within me, regardless, it will always be truth and never anything less than that, that I was in fact the one, the only one, chosen to give birth to this idea. I was chosen to nurture it, grow it, cultivate it within me, and then when the right day does come, to give birth to this being that it is, in all of its newfound glory, to give birth to this idea that will come kicking and screaming into this bright new world. And then there it will be, and in its infancy I might have a few final opportunities to help it find its own path to walk down. But it will happen one day, and that day will be so very soon, that this idea will come into its own in this big wide world and it will detach from me and become its own.
And so then it follows that although Cultivating Beauty and I will forever be linked, the fact of the matter is, that once I give to her birth into this world, we will no longer and what’s more, not ever again in space and time, share this same vessel that we so presently live in together as one.
Her birthday is coming, I don’t know when, but I know internally, spiritually per mother’s intuition, that the day is drawing ever so near, that we will be fundamentally separated for the remainder of my existence, and so thus, I must relish this time to the very greatest measure of my known capacity, and ideally, if it can be found, beyond even those expectations.
Ohh my baby!
Here you do come!
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