REFLECTION FROM SEPTEMBER 15TH, 2007**
RE: Regarding People & Their Animalistic Tendencies
WRITTEN 9/15/2007 @ AGE 26
You know it’s funny because I think people assume that being beautiful is all wonderful and nothing else, but it’d be foolish to assume, in my opinion, that anything at all is all good or bad. Perhaps it’s on my mind because I’ve been asked out three times in the past two days, but being beautiful is not always easy or, shall I say, being beautiful and knowing how to respect that beauty and treat others in a graceful manner as it relates to that beauty can be very tricky!
I’m starting to fully realize the handicap that is and was my fear of people. It’s difficult to navigate through a world full of people when you’re terrified of them. I know I’ve a long way to go, though my social anxiety will get the best of me if I do not keep it in check. I’m so thankful not to be depressed anymore though, and to be off all of that medication. I don’t feel like the medication was good for my soul. But then again, I don’t think American society is good for my soul either.
It’s truly amazing to me how much can change in only one year. People get into routines and waste years, if not decades of their lives slaving away for others who care not about them, neglecting their own needs and their own soul. And then there are people like Stella and Christian who don’t even believe in the soul. I don’t know how they live their lives everyday.
I’m thankful to know that I need to believe to remain living. Faith, no doubt, is my lifeline. Without it I am nothing. Without it I am mere animal and abandon my god given connection. But the part of me that is most divine is what makes my life worth living. I’m so thankful I hit rock bottom so young and lived through it. I’m glad it brought me to thinking at such a young age about what it really means for me to be living. I’m glad that I view life as a choice, as an activity that I myself have the power to end if I so choose. It’s led me to question that which is important to me and has only strengthened me, I think, in the end.
It’s funny that what I choose to believe in prompts me to look deep inside of myself to find love and compassion for the likes of George Bush and Paris Hilton. But it does. Funny thing is, it doesn’t really have all that much to do with those individuals at all. It has to do with my practice of keeping an open-heart and an open-mind. It’s funny how those that I at first despise the most, later become my greatest teachers of all. Well, no I don’t know about them being my greatest teachers of all, but they certainly provide the greatest opportunity to me for growth and understanding and for learning to love. I’m grateful to George Bush and Paris Hilton for that.
I’ve been thinking about just how lucky I am to have been brought into this world with just enough money to get by with some comfort from time to time. Money sure does make a damn mess of things, but of nothing more, I think, than the human mind. Unless of course that human mind knows better before it’s been poisoned beyond repair.
The problem with people that you really have to be careful about is that, so many of them are toxic, psychologically. But that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is that most of those people don’t even acknowledge the presence of their toxicity. That’s what makes this world so goddamn scary. It’s not even the people that are toxic and don’t know it. It’s the people that are toxic, and know it, and refuse to do a goddamn thing about it besides deny the one thing that could save them, if only they were willing. Don’t you see my friend? Everything is a blessing and a curse at once. All at once. Is it any wonder this life is so endlessly confusing?
So anyways, I’d really like to have a garden one of these days. Reap and sew, reap and sew…ohh but I suppose it might be more of a sew and reap kind of process.
Here’s another big problem I see, and not just with people in meetings where I found it, but almost all people I might guess. “People want what they want, when they want and how they want it.” I think there’s an old gypsy curse – ”may you get what you wish for”. Thing is…it’s hard to know exactly what’s best for ourselves with our limited perspective. I think that’s where the whole “god’s will” comes in and learning to let go of what we want for us, and replacing that with what god wants for us. I do believe that god, or the universe, or the force, whatever you want to call it, knows best. I do not believe I, nor any human being, knows best. I think that’s partly why I’m so into trying to keep my mind open and allowing myself to objectively (as possible) weigh out all the options. I don’t, at the present moment, see any route better than that.
I’m quietly building strength here; do you see? I think I see it best in my newfound ability to be genuinely happy for those that I love when their circumstances improve and mine remain unchanged. But ahh don’t you see…the nature of circumstances is to change. Through their impermanence, I find strength to rise above circumstance. Or do I? It’s so hard to tell.
I find it irritating how so many people, including myself in former years, bless god in good circumstance and damn him in bad. I think, in this scenario, the point is completely missed. There one day and gone the next. We all will be here one day and gone the next. Without exception we all shall die. And David, in fact, already has. It’s funny how life and even the circumstances of life can be so totally devoid of all meaning or more full of meaning than you ever could have hoped for, all depending upon the perspective you choose to take. I think it’s more so ‘to believe or not to believe’, than ‘to be or not to be’ that is the question.
I think the day I stop learning and growing and being willing to suffer, will be the day that I die. It’s no matter whether the body follows.
Sometimes I feel the inclination that I will be ”famous” one of these days and none too far off either I suppose. And I wonder how I’ll feel about all those people who now, wouldn’t give me the time of day, or only would ‘cause I’m pretty. I wonder how I’ll feel towards them and whether I’ll still question their motives, or if I’ll buy into their fake love disguising their ill intentions and search for cheap money and easy power. I wonder if I’ll ever bear a diamond ring on my left hand, and whether that will be out of choice or circumstance, or both. I wonder how a diamond ring has anything at all to do with marriage, beyond futile tradition.
I’m watching this movie called Thirteen Conversations about One Thing, and it is amazing. I don’t know that I could have chosen a movie to watch today more poignant to my life than this. But then again, perhaps I was chosen more so than I did the choosing. Or a bit of both I suppose.
I truly feel as though, even if things in my life don’t work out and I die lonely, miserable and unsatisfied, that if I put good into this world, then my time spent here will have been worthwhile. But I also truly feel that if I put good into this world, then good will come back to me. Maybe not in the ways I expected or have foreseen, but it will come in ways I never imagined possible and I can’t think of a greater gift than that. Except perhaps the gifts of life and love in the first place.
My goal in life is to love and be loved, but if I die only having loved others, I think I could still be okay with that. Fortunately for me, I already am loved by many, and I already do so love many others as well. Hence if I died tomorrow, I think I’d still die a satisfied woman.
But ohh I’ve so much more to learn! It’s thrilling to know I’ve come so far, and still yet have so very far to go.
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