REFLECTION FROM JULY 13TH, 2008**
RE: WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE BIPOLAR – WHEN NOBODY KNOWS HOW TO HELP
WRITTEN – 7/13/2008 @ AGE 27
Well it’s almost been a year now that I’ve been living with mom and dad and I haven’t a dime saved to my name. I hate that people say “at least you can save money living with your parents,” when I don’t even make enough money to pay for my bills and have any money left with which to save. There is no hope, I will be living with my parents till I’m 30 and the thought makes me want to slit my wrists and sit in my own pool of blood and feel the light sensation of freedom take over. I’ve been suicidal for days now.
It’s been really difficult being around most other people lately, especially Caleb and Stella for some reason. I guess because they are both in very comfortable situations financially which makes me furious compared to my own dire circumstances. I cry and it doesn’t make me feel any better. I write and it doesn’t make me feel any better. I feel suicidal because I have so much emotional pain and I don’t know how to deal with it. It’s just all too much to deal with, and I’ve dealt with a lot in my life. Or maybe I haven’t really dealt with much at all, I don’t know. All I know is that it’s more than I can deal with. It’s more than I can deal with and my friends and family can do nothing to support me. There’s nothing anyone can do to help relieve this pain, and it seems there’s nothing I can do either to relieve any of this pain. I just don’t know what to do. I feel like cutting myself to relieve some of this pressure. Just a few little tiny cuts, just enough blood to know this is all real.
Caleb just finished paying off his car. I’m so f–king jealous of him…it’s like, can we pile any more good circumstance on the people who already have more than enough of what they could ever want? I mean he’s in love, he now has all that extra income that used to go to his car payment, he just got the promotion he wanted, he got to go on vacation this year, he has a house. It’s funny how you can feel genuinely happy for others’ good fortune, but at the same time feel like you want to end your life because of it. It’s so f–king funny. Kind of like life in general, it’s just so f–king funny I want to kill myself from laughing. I hate life. I don’t believe things are ever going to get any better.
I don’t know how I’m going to pay for all my drugs. I’m just afraid I’m not going to be able to afford the medication I need to help me not feel suicidal. That’s my biggest fear. And I mean hell – I just started changing my meds, replacing one with a generic and look how well that seems to be going. I hate life and I want to take mine because I don’t know how else to deal with all this pain.
See, this is when I know I’m in a great deal of pain, when I start wishing that Caleb’s Lainey gets cancer and dies, and hoping that Angelina Jolie dies in childbirth. It would be a great service for all people to know that when other people are mean, it’s because they are in some kind of great emotional pain.
Well I went and hit some golf balls and I feel a little bit better, except now my right thigh hurts and I have blisters on my hands. At least that’ll give me something to concentrate on though. I’m still rather angry with the world and almost everyone I love for my own down and out luck, but it helps me to think, they didn’t get me into this mess, I did! And it helps me to think that every time I study I come this much closer to being a real live attorney. And it helps me to acknowledge that I’ve suffered from an illness for a very long time, and thank god it finally came to a head and thank god for my doctors down here in Columbus for diagnosing me, because otherwise I’d still be suffering and have no excuse for not taking the bar exam. It’s hard to acknowledge that I was suffering from an illness and that’s why I didn’t take the bar exam, because I didn’t know at the time that I was very much so suffering from a yet undiagnosed illness. But I try to think of it that way, and it almost helps. It’s better than nothing.
The crazy part is, there are actually times when I really believe that things could work out between me and Harrison. I mean at times I can literally see in my head what it would be like living with him and loving together. I can see him caress me and hold me, and all the gentleness with which he would care. I watch us making love in my head all day long and I can see myself making a little Harrison Fulright IV. I can see us together as parents, watching our children run around the yard and play. I can see all this and there are times when I literally believe that we could make it all happen. But then I descend to reality, and I realize that Harrison only even emails me maybe once a week, he won’t call me and the only reason he’s coming to Columbus, Ohio to visit is to pick up his damn golf clubs.
I don’t know why I kid myself. No, I know why. I kid myself because dreaming of love is a far better thing than it is to live without it. I live without love, I have for a long, long time, and it’s agonizing and painstaking and here I am crying over it again. I dream about love because I don’t know if I’m the kind of person that will get to be loved. Not loved as a daughter, or loved as a sister or friend, but really loved from the bottom of a man’s heart up through his very being and into the rest of eternity. I don’t know that I’m the kind of person that gets to be loved like that. There are people all around me and they find love easily wherever they turn, but I can’t seem to find it whichever way I turn and I’m not sure at what point I should give up trying. I dream of having because I cannot have. But in the end, I’m not really sure which one is worse.
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