ON FRUSTRATION – Still Hoping, Up Against A Wall

REFLECTION FROM OCTOBER 11TH, 2013**

RE:  CHANGE – I DON’T EXPECT IT TO HAPPEN OVERNIGHT, BUT…

WRITTEN – 10/11/2013 @ AGE 32

NOTE:  I felt the following described state yesterday afternoon, but I do not feel like this today as I post it.  Try to keep that in mind, that being bipolar means living always with these intense “highs” and “lows”.  I’ve learned that in order to overcome these states of being, I must always remember to temper what I feel to be true, with what I know to be true, little as that may be.  That’s the only way to overcome it.  And I think that’s also, why I am so addicted to truth.  Anyways…

Sitting here outside at work, at the picnic table having a cig and writing.  Thinking about how f–king fun this rollercoaster has been.  So f–king fun.  Realizing once again that it will never stop, unless I take more meds.  More meds that also make me not function right, just in a different way.

After the hearing at the Statehouse on Wednesday I emailed John Salinger.  He’s been such a dear, so helpful, such a gentleman and so kind-hearted.  Anyways, I adore him but, I emailed him and said “this feels hopeless” and he said call him.  So I did, and I asked him questions and he answered them all and the conversation wound down, still in feelings of frustration despite.  Really I felt okay, until he said “well look you know, follow up with these people, maybe do some volunteer work with them if you want, and then it might lead to a fulltime professional opportunity,” and then something like “but for now, get back to your life too, struggling along like we all do right?”  And I paused and said yes, but the more I think about it, the more I realize it’s not really so.

I have a life with my family and my distant friends and my professional mentors, but that’s about it you know?  I have no marriage, no significant other, few good friends in town, a job doing something other than that which I so very much desire to do.  I try and I try, but can’t seem to find any opportunity still.  So whatever, I mean I get it, struggle “like everyone else” I guess, but not really though.  I have no home of my own, I struggle with my work hours still – Gordon just spoke to me about it an hour ago.  I bought some more time, some more patience with him, but what more than that?

I still have no life.  None of this has changed the fact that my husband left me because I’m bipolar.  None of it has changed the fact that no one wants to be with me because I’m bipolar.  None of the discrimination in opportunity has been erased.  I have so much to offer, but still it seems, it just does not matter – everything is still not enough.  I said in my position statement to the senate that even I do not know how long I will last here, and that is the truth.  I just keep wondering still, how long hope in nothingness can carry me through.  I want to meet the president of these United States, but that still yet seems to be a delusion to think it possible.  I don’t know, I have to get back inside to work, but it’s difficult to focus too, when I feel so low.

I really thought that in doing all of this, standing up in opposition to Senate Bill 43, somebody would see me, you know really see me, and say that’s what I want, she is what I need.  What we need.  But now it seems that’s just not so.  I’m either too good, or not enough.  No one wants to take a chance on me.  That’s the world that I live in.  Nothing has changed despite the brave and “impressive” actions that I have taken.  So that’s where I am at right now.  It seems nothing has changed, even though I know even that is not true.  It’s just so hard to maintain here.  I just don’t know how much longer I can do this, when I am just never enough.

It is what it is, and things will work out.  I still tell myself and still have trouble with believing.  But I suppose I can believe enough for one day more, and I’ll see where tomorrow takes me.  Hopefully to someplace better than this.

**THIS BLOG CONTAINS POSTINGS OF REAL-TIME JOURNAL ENTRIES AS THEY RELATE TO THE OVERALL PURPOSE OF THIS BLOG.  AS SUCH, PLEASE NOTE THAT ANY POST MARKED AT THE TOP WITH A “REFLECTION” DATE WAS WRITTEN ON THE REFLECTION DATE, NOT ON THE DATE IT WAS POSTED TO THIS BLOG.  IN ADDITION, PLEASE NOTE THAT NAMES AND OTHER DETAILS HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE PRIVACY OF THOSE REFERENCED WITHIN.  FOR MORE INFORMATION, PLEASE VISIT MY DISCLAIMER PAGE.

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