REFLECTION FROM OCTOBER 2ND, 2007
RE: Learning the Benefits of Having Struggles to Work Through…
WRITTEN – 10/2/2007 @ AGE 26
I wonder at times why it is that I write and in part I think it is a compulsion, another party therapy. But the more I write, the more I realize that when I write, I do not feel so alone in my consciousness. When I put words to my thoughts, I’m not sure what it is – maybe then I feel that I am sharing in my being. I feel as though I am creating and sharing (or at least creating the possibility to share) in my emotional turmoil, and I think putting pen to paper makes my emotions more real for me. It makes my emotions tangible and important in their acknowledgment. I don’t think it is far from the idea that a cutter slices her own skin open to see blood to know that there is in fact, a physical manifestation of her emotional pain. It helps to be able to see it. We can’t ignore physical injuries, but too often we ignore the mental ones. Because they cannot be seen, we must take some action to physically portray them, whether it be by cutting, drugging, writing, making music, or any other one of the infinite methods of manifestation we can choose from.
I feel speedy right now from the meds. And I can’t eat, my stomach is just tied up in knots. Just waiting for my body to adjust. Just spending my time. I’ve been having a fabulous day though so far, just talking with my parents earlier, talking with the people at work, and writing, writing away! Up up, and away I go.
It’s funny to find myself in this now familiar place again, but I think I am now ready to give up drugs and alcohol. Just reading through my journals, I can see now how my judgment has been clouded and ignored with their help. And I don’t think it’s necessarily bad to smoke pot every now and a great while for others, but for me, that is simply and most assuredly not possible. I’m not angry with myself for having previously returned to smoking weed though – quite the contrary. I feel I’ve learned so much from the experience, and now I can work from a solid foundation, truly knowing why I choose not to partake, rather than building an all too destructible house of cards. I am now feeling very thankful for these struggles that I’ve been through, for the light on the other side is illuminating. Once again I can see what is going on, and now, more clearly than ever before.
So here I am, taking surveys at my temp job, and it seems at the most curious of times I’ve found a fulfillment in my heart, quite unexpected, but now greatly appreciated. I have hope today, that I will find love again. I choose to believe today, that David was not my only chance.
It’s funny because in the tiniest possible writing I think, on the cover of my Vanity Fair, there reads a proverb, “A smooth sea never made a good sailor.” I see now that with all my struggles, I have triumphed (at least today, right now) and in doing so, became a better person. Through my personal struggles I have found the path unto becoming just the kind of human being I want to be. At least for today, I am satisfied.
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