REFLECTION FROM MAY 15TH, 2013**
Regarding – The Desire to be a Great One, and What it Takes
WRITTEN 5/13/2013 @ AGE 31
Things feel slightly out of control in my head. Like, the world seems slightly out of control from within my head. Does that make sense?
I just keep wondering what’s going to happen tomorrow at the status conference with the domestic relations judge. I wonder if the magistrate ruled on my motion, I wonder if the judge is going to presume anything less than 100% of the brokerage account as marital and if so, why she would do that, when the law clearly states that if not traceable back to separate property, then presumed marital in its entirety. I mean, what the hell?! And I wonder if the magistrate will grant me any relief at all and if so, how persuasive we will have bended him to being. I feel as though I can’t even type, partly because my finger has a crack on the side in the skin, which hurts, but partly because my mind is just so scattered in between all of these different things.
I just feel as though I’m accomplishing nothing, when I know, I know know know that that is clearly not the case! I don’t know, I partly wonder if I just can’t ever catch a break, because I just won’t ever cut myself one. But who would I be if I did? I’d surely not have come so far had I done so. But I don’t know, I’m not entirely sure whose control that all lines up to. Me and my destiny? Fate in toto? Who knows…
All I know is that I’m learning to blog, and it’s going to be a bit more challenging than I originally had thought. And that’s me speaking too…the girl who’s already journaled almost every third day of her life for the past 13 years! I don’t know. Sometimes I just don’t know… It’s true though, I feel like I’m accomplishing nothing, and yet I know at the very same time that that is absolutely not true.
So who the hell knows…sometimes the rules just don’t apply, or make sense in any sense of the term. I mean, that doesn’t even make sense, I’m just beside myself over here…
But I do know that I’ve turned a divorce screw-over-Kyrie into a divorce-case-against-Cooper-the-evil-by-Kyrielle-the-good. And it’s been a beautiful thing and I’ve learned so much about myself in the process as well, I don’t know how I could ever be thankful to god enough. And yet at the very same time I do know, that the reason I was able to do so, was a direct result also, of all my hard work, determination, persistence and simple dislike of being told that I cannot have what I want. I remember, from a somewhat stupid movie, I once heard a very great saying:
“I either get what I want, or I change my mind.”
I don’t know of many mottos that more fully embody me…
I either get what I want, or I change my mind. That is the manner in which I live my life. If something is important enough to me that I would put everything else necessary aside to accomplish it, then I can and will achieve it. I don’t want to be the president of the United States of America, but I would like to be greatly influential and I would like to be great like this President we currently have for America. I want to be great. I want to be one of the great ones. Kyrielle Adelshine, one of the great ones. What I want is to be great, and I will have that or I will change my mind and want something else. We will have to wait to see what unfolds, but I don’t plan on changing my mind any time at all.
I know, know, know I am accomplishing many things right now. Relationships, setting up my finances for the future, setting up my health for the future, setting up my profession for the future, setting up my ability as an entrepreneur in the very near future, as an author in the very near future. I mean, I’m on the fucking edge of the cut here. You can slice it any way you want and still I rise.
I am on the edge here, and I have learned to take calculated risks. I have learned the process and here I stand on the edge, ready to dive in deep. So deep the depths will astound even me. But I’m ready to take root. So, here we go…
**THIS BLOG CONTAINS POSTINGS OF REAL-TIME JOURNAL ENTRIES AS THEY RELATE TO THE OVERALL PURPOSE OF THIS BLOG. AS SUCH, PLEASE NOTE THAT ANY POST MARKED AT THE TOP WITH A “REFLECTION” DATE WAS WRITTEN ON THE REFLECTION DATE, NOT ON THE DATE IT WAS POSTED TO THIS BLOG. IN ADDITION, PLEASE NOTE THAT NAMES AND OTHER DETAILS HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE PRIVACY OF THOSE REFERENCED WITHIN. FOR MORE INFORMATION, PLEASE VISIT MY DISCLAIMER PAGE.