REFLECTION FROM FEBRUARY 19TH, 2008**
Re: Children & the Care with which We Should Treat Them
Written 2/19/2008 @ Age 26
I was thinking today, and remembered a time when I must have been just three or four years old, maybe five, and my mom took me to the YMCA to drop me off for gymnastics practice. Now, the place where she dropped me off was inside at the door to the gymnasium, which was absolutely huge to begin with, but f–king mansion size to a four year old. Anyways, I didn’t know anyone and didn’t know where I was supposed to go or who I was supposed to see or what the f–k I was even supposed to do with myself, and my mom was in a hurry, had to get somewhere, and she said “don’t worry, you’ll be fine, just go talk with so and so and they’ll tell you what to do.” And then she was gone. And that was that.
There was no choice in the matter – there was no opportunity to voice my opinion. I was abandoned, left high and dry in this huge f–king scary gym with these masses of f–king people, I was left all alone in the world without as much as a second thought.
It’s just funny how certain things happen to you in your youth, things that don’t even seem important at all at the time, or at least not to a grown up who has much more important things on their mind. Anyways, it’s just funny how these kinds of things happen to you in your youth, when you have absolutely no control over your surrounding circumstances, and leave impressions imprinted upon you for the rest of your life.
Myself, for instance, that day in the gym, I was terrified and abandoned, terrified of the massive gym and the massive amounts of people within it, and today I remain absolutely terrified of this infinite world and the seemingly infinite people within it. Not friendly faces, no friends, just disinterested people all around me. People who already have friends, and people who already have significant others, and people who already have careers and lives and vacations and houses and weddings and f–king babies. It’s never f–king ending. Today’s been a suicidal day, by the way. I’m not sure that it shows, but I suspect somehow it may…
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