REFLECTION FROM JANUARY 24TH, 2008**
RE: MY INABILITY AS A “MENTALLY ILL” INDIVIDUAL TO DISREGARD TRUTH, AS I AM OTHERWISE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING, HERE IN AMERICA.
WRITTEN 1/24/2008 @ AGE 26
Ohh my my, let me tell you…I most certainly don’t know much, and in comparison to all there is to know, I am eternally destined to knowing very little. But today, in this moment, I know this much to be true – most people in life, or at least most of the people that I have known, settle. And the decision to settle makes sense, sometimes I think much more sense than not. But the fundamental reason, I think, that people settle (as I am very presently finding out), is because when you settle, at least you know you have something, at least you know that some sort of concrete certainty fulfills the basic premise of your life.
The most depressing part about settling, though, is that in many cases, in more cases than not (I believe), persons that settle find out later that what it is that they settled for was not at all what they really wanted. To hold out and put yourself out there is a fundamentally difficult task – it requires perseverance and faith, hope and belief. The most difficult thing I have found in refusing to settle for less than I deserve, and most certainly less than I want, is that in doing so, I assume the risk that I will find myself empty-handed in the end.
I told Stella once, and felt absolutely ashamed and embarrassed after having come clean, but I did tell Stella once, that I think the most brilliant people that have ever existed and walked the face of this earth were also very much so those that others found to be insane. Now don’t get me wrong, I think there are different kinds of insanity, and when I speak here I do not intend to include them all. But the idea very much so goes hand in hand with the premise that the most brilliant of all minds come at the cost of isolation, misunderstanding, mental illness and oftentimes death.
I’m not sure I’m quite expressing myself in a clear manner, in fact I don’t think I’m doing myself justice at all – but anyways, I think right now it’s much more important to get the ideas down, regardless of whether the wording is precisely right. So I proceed on…
I believe that the most brilliant, poignant and creative minds I’ve come to know are contained in the hearts of people who are fundamentally incapable of disregarding truth. We all know that the truth hurts, for why else would it be so little used? It follows, though, that the life of a person who lives by truth and truth alone, is destined to be one full of pain and strife. Call me crazy, but to me, it makes absolute perfect sense that in order to esteem living in truth, one must voluntarily open their hearts and their minds to all that is out there to be had.
Perfect sense, it makes to me. So anyways, to bring you round full circle (in what now seems to be also a very roundabout way!), I just want to say that one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do in this life, is to be willing to give freely and voluntarily without thereafter becoming resentful when I feel that I have not justly been appreciated or adequately compensated in return. To give and not expect in return seems such a simple, elementary concept. And what’s even more tricky is the fact that it immediately feels good to have given. But as time passes and my efforts go unnoticed or unappreciated, at least in my mind, my immediate reaction is to close my heart and mind. It hurts to put yourself out there and get rejected…as elementary a concept as it seems, I have found that in life, the most elementary of concepts often turn out to be the most complicated of all.
It would be so much easier in the-now, to close my heart and my mind, and to judge others and pretend I already know what is right from what is wrong. But I’d be lying if that were so. Life is rather more about varying degrees than it is full of pretty little boxes that house bright lines and morals without decay. But the very sense of morality without conflict is premised upon the assumption that life can be lived without gray. The more I live, everyday I spend, all these days that I have to spend on this earth, I find, that life is ever more gray than I ever thought it could be, and this realization comes in waves, but also with increasingly exponential velocity.
I don’t know any other way to live, than to live in the pursuit of all that is true. And as much as I suffer as a result of living this way, I truly believe that I would rather die than live any other way. It’s funny in life, how most things are actually gray, but every once in a great while you find a hint of light completely separated from the darkness.
I feel I’m overreaching again, and this is the point where I want to smoke pot because I’ll tell you what, I am infinitely more able to express what I am thinking and feeling, to zero in on what it is that I mean to say when I am high. I get lost in this sea of words otherwise, and it’s beyond frustrating to hear all these beautiful concepts in my head, only to subsequently falter in my recording and inevitably blunder their glory. Life is messy and it is ugly, as is all that I’ve written above. I despise overreaching, but I suppose I’d rather get the ideas down messy than not get the ideas down at all. It’s disappointing, more than anything, to see something so beautiful in my mind, and then find that I am fundamentally incapable of transposing all that is worth seeing.
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