By Marissa Kristina Varcho
Prior to leaving for Denison I sat myself down in the bonus room at Mogadore and stayed up all night writing a seven-page letter to Dave. I professed my love for him as it began, at first sight, in our 7th grade science class, and then grew every day that passed right up until that very moment in time. I poured my soul into that letter, I emptied my entire being as I knew it onto paper so I could give it to him, so I could hand over my blood-stained words and make clear to him, for surely and without doubt, that I loved him and him only, and that I wanted him to have my heart. I have no clear memory of what happened next, except that in some way, shape or form he declined to accept my bleeding heart. And all the bitterness that followed.
And so I sit here today on this 22nd of May 2012, I cannot even believe that I am here. But here I am here and this is happening so I will share this with you, so I can be sure, for once and for all, that you too, are clear…
I remember clearly back at Mogadore, the intersection just yards up from our mailbox, a four way stop with four signs facing outward. Each sign claimed one of those four roads leading up to the top of a hill where they all joined into one. It was I, back then, with my lighter and cigarettes, I snuck outside into the dark night and stole my way up the road to those signs. And then I stood there and I stared as I puffed on my cigarette, until I tossed it aside and crept right into the middle of the crossroads. And there I was in the darkness, out there all alone, and I sat myself down and I laid my head back and I looked up into the void of the darkness. Except I found the quite opposite, the blackened sky was not void at all, it was actually quite filled with bright lights. Few and far between, perhaps that they were, but there those stars were and ohh how they did shine so bright!
And so I then knew as I stood up and began my own journey, although it may seem at times that the darkness surrounds me, envelopes me even, I knew that it would never entirely consume me. I had seen the light, and although I knew neither where it was nor how to get there, I knew that it was and that was all I needed to know. And then it of course followed that I began upon my path that would lead me into the cultivation of beauty.
And so that being said, as you now very well know too, the story begins and I’m a brand new 19 years of age. I am lost. I am lonely. And I am far away from all that I had ever known. I feel ugly and marred and broken, and without purpose. And yet it was funny, despite feeling this way, still remained all of those words that I’d been given in my past, all those unspoken words I’d been given. And those words were, it was, what kept me from believing anything other than this, and this only: that despite all of this ugliness that I felt so deep inside me, still I remained nothing short of beautiful.
It made no sense though, how someone so hollow and empty could at the very same time, be someone composed of such immense beauty. And so I started out to find the answer to this riddle it was, people drifting in and out, but down this path I would mostly walk alone. I was searching, but for what, I could not be sure back in those times. But I kept on searching anyway, with my unending lines of questioning and thought. Then somewhere on my way, out in this big wide world that we live in, I came to realize a separation that I had never seen before.
Once imperceptible to me, I began to recognize a difference in fundamental truth, between that which is seemingly so and that which is simply, what is. And then I began to learn about people and all of their funny ways, but despite this insight I still struggled to discern the truth. For many of these people came to hurt me and I had to let them, because I did not know how to shield myself from the pain. But I continued along my path despite this pain all around me, and I learned even more about the world and how these people fit within it.
I learned about society and politics and religion too, but then I stumbled upon philosophy, or perhaps it upon I, and my world began to change once again. I discovered perception and its relationship with the nature of things. How it could be possible that something seeming so very much to be, could actually hold little to no truth at all. And then I came to learn also, it was funny it was, how other things that cannot ever actually be seen at all, turn out to hold all truth against time. And so it was, as I wandered down this long and winding path I had chosen, I learned to navigate through this world’s labyrinth of deception. And time passed and I refused anything that would keep me from continuing on to wherever it was where I was heading, wading through the web of lies that had long since been spun around me.
And eventually the day arrived that I realized why this web had been spun to suffocate me, and the reason for which I had chosen my arduous path in battle against it. The journey I had embarked upon down this road less traveled by, was the only path that would lead me to discover the truth about beauty. Which is precisely when it dawned upon this ever-evolving perspective of mine, that all this time I had wasted wandering through darkness without reason was actually not time wasted at all. For, although I could not understand what reason would lead me to search for this thing unknown, I found that the answer held little worth against the questions that in fact came before it.
And so I then learned why the answer I sought could not possibly be unveiled to my perception. That web of lies spun around me was spun to keep me from the truth, in that the trove and its key had already been buried deep inside me. Which I knew then, I had finally come to see, that my heart was not subject to my mind’s limitations. As I made my way through the storm and back into blue skies, the purpose was revealed for which I had chosen this road less traveled by. It was this road and this road only that would lead me back to the rye, where two lovers came to be one, both my David and I.