REFLECTION FROM JANUARY 13TH, 2009**
Re: The Sole Meaning of Life is to Serve Humanity ~ Leo Tolstoy
I was just looking at my cousin’s wedding book website and she has pictures of she and her fiancé everywhere, like Thailand (which I don’t even know how to spell!), London, I don’t know, just all these places. It just seems like for some people, life just works for them, things just always work out fine. Like Stella, she gets her convertible and her warm weather, she gets to experience new places like living in DC. Things just always work out for her it seems, she’s able to go out into the world and make things work for her. She’s able to craft her own life as she sees fit. That’s what it feels like for my cousin too. She’s fallen in love and been to all kinds of places and knows who she is and has friends and is getting married and goes to Harvard. I don’t know how these people have all this money to be vacationing and doing whatever they damn well please.
Anyways, the point is that I can’t seem to get myself into a place where I can make my life my own. I am not capable of crafting a life for myself in which I can live independently and make my life what it is that I want it to be. I’m stuck. I’m stagnant. I have to pass the bar exam. I don’t know if they’ll even let me take it! For god’s sake, I swear I just suck at life. I just hate life. I hate it because I cannot do it. I don’t know how. I’m not good enough. My best isn’t enough. I’m falling short and there’s not really anything I can do about it. I don’t know what else to say.
I get to be beautiful, but I sit in my parents’ house and I have no friends here and I have no significant other and my beauty cannot show unless I find someone to go and hang out with. But when it comes to other people, I just kind of fuck up everything I touch it seems. Everything I try to do is just not good enough. That’s how it feels. But then it makes me think of when I babysit my baby nephew Aiden and I think there my best is good enough. My best isn’t the best, probably far from it. But my best there is good enough. So that makes me feel better. Anyways, back to studying…
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