ON LOVE – The Inextricability of Pain and Meaning


RE:  David – And the Question of How I Will Ever Repay Him

WRITTEN 3/16/2008 @ AGE 26

Do you know when I was in the 6th grade I had friends in my class who were snorting Smarties?  I swear to god, sometimes it really amazes me I stayed away from alcohol and drugs just long enough to not get completely f–ked over in school.  I really do think that if I wouldn’t have done the whole gymnastics thing, I prolly would have gotten myself into quite a bit of trouble throughout my youthful years.  Instead, I was the complete opposite.  I was a parent’s dream – I didn’t ever go out, so there was never any worrying to do.

Although, I wasn’t quite a dream, because I wasn’t going out because I was so damn scared of and hurt to be around people, I was killing myself in gymnastics so I wouldn’t have to face my real fear, I was bulimic, I was a f–king bear on competition weekends, just moody as hell.  Then I started smoking pot all day every day to make it all go away.  I had moments in my life that were quite enjoyable, but in the most part, for the large majority of time, I just felt awful – awful about life, awful about myself, awful about my ability to interact with other people, just damn awful all the goddamn time.  The joke was on me because try as I may, I would never escape my own consciousness.  I think only in becoming aware of my own consciousness have I learned different, better and more constructive ways to deal with it.  Anyways…all that from Smarties…

I just got back from Kayleigh’s and do you know when I was leaving, I drove by Dave’s old house on my way to the freeway (or rather, out of the way to the freeway).  Boy did that bring on the tears too!  It just makes me so sad seeing the physical manifestation of what once used to be.  It breaks my heart all over again, and I feel like I say that a lot, but I really mean it every time.  I feel like my heart is breaking all the time, over and over, time after time.

I got to thinking about all the things Dave meant to me and that he gave to me.  I think the greatest, most phenomenal thing Dave ever gave me was not some thing, it was not a kiss or flowers or anything of that sort; I think it was just the ability to love so deeply, to love so purely, to love someone so unconditionally as to find that both the greatest joy and the greatest sorrow of my life would ironically be derived from the same source.  I’ve found that I suffered far greater sorrow as a result of Dave’s presence in my life, whether inadvertent or not, than I ever did joy.  But the joy was so sweet, so undying I think it might just last me a lifetime, and the sorrow so purely bittersweet I think my heart might never stop breaking.  And through it all, I’ve never been more inspired to love, inspired to live, inspired to write with any other source aside Dave.  He’s spurred so many more emotions and revelations within me that I never even knew I had, I cannot repay him.  Over my entire lifetime I will never find a way to adequately repay him.


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