REFLECTION FROM MARCH 24TH, 2008
RE: FINDING THE COURAGE TO PERSEVERE THROUGH LOVE
WRITTEN 3/24/2008 @ AGE 26
You know, the problem with getting up early is that I finish getting ready early and then I don’t know what the f-ck to do with myself in the meantime. As of right now I wake up at about 5am every morning. I usually get out of bed by 5:30 or 6am, and read in bed up to that point. Then I get ready and then I have time left over and of course I don’t want to go into work early, that’s just craziness. It wouldn’t be, I should say, if I could leave that much earlier, but right now I’m not sure I can do that so I don’t want to go there early. You see. So I suppose my solution is to write about it.
I hate that I go back and forth in thinking that my journal compilation even could constitute a “book”, and whether it’s even possible that I could get it published, and even then, I wonder if I even want to publish it since it’s so goddamn personal and I do wonder how many people I will piss off in the process. I suppose the question is – does the purpose of the book supersede the downside of publication? I’m not sure. I suppose I’ll have a better answer when I finish typing up my old journals (which is taking forever!) and give ‘em a good read through or two. Then I’ll really be able to identify the general themes running through and the tone and rhythm of the prose and all that. Then I can edit whilst embellishing the themes and cut out the parts that I really feel uncomfortable with. Only then Maris, and maybe not even then, will you be able to snap any type of fair judgment against yourself. So, I guess that makes me feel better.
The main function of this book is the enlighten others about what it means to live with a bipolar mind, and to help those who think they might be suffering from bipolar, or who don’t yet even know, to help them self-diagnose their illness so they can get help. It’s so important to diagnose bipolar because improper medication can actually aggravate the condition and increase manic behavior, which increases compulsive, aggressive behavior (some of the worst side effects of bipolar illness). I want to increase understanding, I want to show people why I felt like I was absolutely crazy at many points in my journey, and I want to show people how the right medication can really help control the illness, again, once properly diagnosed.
I read website after website and there are hard, cold facts about manic and depressive behavior, about bipolar and rapid cycling, but I don’t think that adequately portrays what it actually means to live with a bipolar mind. I want to help others. It’s no cliché – it’s intended. I intend to help others and I hope to the high heavens above I’ll have the ability to persevere and the courage to share in the name of my cause, in the name of love.