ON MENTAL ILLNESS — What It Feels Like From Within



WRITTEN 8/10/2002 @ AGE 21

I am feeling like I have a lot of anger building up inside of me and I am not sure why.  I guess maybe the Paxil used to help me out with this.  I just don’t understand why I have to care about all the things that come in and out of my mind…because there’s a f—king lot and it can get very frustrating at times.  It makes me feel like the devil has jumped inside me and is just trying to take over and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.  Ahh but I suppose there is a choice still there…

Not sure if I wrote about this yet—but I will write about it again in case not.  I got an email from Dave a month or two ago.  Read it, deleted it, and emptied the trash in my email account.  It was very stupid anyways.  So general and impersonal and I just don’t f—king get him still, and hope to never hear from him again most times.  Though I may not have to worry about that now, because I didn’t email him back and in November (three months) it will have been a year since I spoke with him last, and when we graduate he will have no way of contacting me anyways—unless he tried to figure it out—which I would most definitely put past him!  I hate that a—hole and even though it was my decision to let him make me miserable for such a long time, f—k him for being such an inconsiderate, insensitive, stuck up, self-absorbed a—hole.

Yep, I hope I never speak with him again.

But, do you see all these strong harsh feelings?  What am I supposed to do with them all?  And why do I feel this way?  I wish it was as easy done as it is said, to just ignore my feelings and not let them affect how I think, and feel, and act.  They can be just very overwhelming at times and I just don’t know where to put them or what to do with them or why I feel the way I do.  And I don’t think you can control your feelings.  I mean, I know you can control what you do with them—but you can’t stop them from coming in the first place and my f—king lord, who is putting them there to begin with?  Ugh!

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