REFLECTION FROM FEBRUARY 16TH, 2008 @ AGE 26
RE: THE POINT AT WHICH UGLY FEELINGS BECOME “BAD” – IT’S NOT ACCURATE, WHAT THEY HAVE TOLD YOU IN THE UNITED STATES…
…It’s just that when I am in what seems to be never ending pain, I want other people to suffer too. I don’t want to suffer alone, but often it seems the only way to get others to suffer with me is to inflict suffering upon them myself. It’s really not a very sexy concept, is it? It’s quite ugly in fact, all distorted and twisted and evil and whatnot.
Thing is, wouldn’t it make most sense that if I had the choice, I would most certainly choose not to feel these painful feelings? I mean, I’m clearly removing myself from pain when I isolate from other people – the concept is there. So wouldn’t it make sense, then, that if I had the option, I would just remove the painful feelings altogether? Just bypass the pain?
Well much to the chagrin perhaps, of other people, I may not know what I believe most of the time, but I am nonetheless a firm believer that you cannot run and hide from your feelings. They are forever with you, for better or for worse, and if you suppress them, I believe they will relentlessly buoy and boil over in good time.
Okay, I was thinking earlier about how f–king wretched I feel when I express my innermost ugly and potentially destructive feelings. The thing I really hate about feeling those feelings though, is not even that they are difficult and unpleasant to feel. Rather, what I hate is the sociologically programmed idea that feeling those feelings, hell just having those feelings, makes me a “bad” person. Don’t tell me you haven’t experienced this. People, in this sense, are still Victorians. The theory is all wrong…
Let me tell you…everyone has these ugly feelings, I know it in my heart, one day or another, everyone feels these wretched concepts. It makes me angry that I live in a society where I am not supposed to feel these feelings, that I am a bad, mean and selfish person if I even so much as possess or acknowledge these feelings. Living in a society where we’re supposed to deny ourselves these human feelings, it’s no wonder we all end up thinking that other people will hate us for thinking them. It’s this roadblock that keeps us from sharing our pain, from acknowledging each other’s very humanity. The fact is, every human being possesses these feelings from time to time, if not more often even, and the trouble begins not with feeling them, the trouble begins when we begin to act on them.
Hell, half the time I feel equally beautiful and ugly feelings toward the same damn person, and it’s up to me how I choose to respond to these feelings. It’s what you do with these feelings that matters. The feelings don’t become “bad”, they don’t make you “bad” until you choose to act out on them, creating more ugliness in the world around you, the world that we all must share. The funny part about this theory, though, is that choosing the constructive, selfless, generous position usually brings you pain. That’s why most don’t do it.
I want to believe that if you choose to act well and to place more good in this world, then good will come back to you. I want so terribly to believe this–but I’m not sure that I can. I’m not sure that’s been my experience. I don’t know, I don’t know if good has not yet found me, or if it has and I just cannot see it, or if it’s on the way, or if it’s all in my mind and if I so choose, I can just create it for myself. I don’t know. It’s so hard to tell.
On most occasions, I have chosen to act according to my principles, which means promoting honesty, truth, beauty, goodness, generosity, empathy, understanding and open-mindedness–but in return, I swear all I’ve felt is pain. I so want to believe that if you are kind to others, the kindness will return–but I do not know the truth and that’s the most difficult part to bear.
I put good into this world hoping that it will return to me, causing myself pain in the present and hoping for salvation in the future. But tell me, what if the future never comes? What if things don’t work out in the end? What am I supposed to do then? I feel like if that is the case I will regret not taking, cheating, lying – attaining present satisfaction and ignoring the rest. I can’t say that’s what I want to be, but I cannot understand what kind of universe would reward the creation of good, the creation of beauty–with pain and suffering. I cannot understand how that can be. I cannot believe there is a god in that case.
I cannot believe in a god who makes us suffer, who makes us choose to suffer so we can attain heavenly status in the end, if the end truly does not exist. It’s such a tease. It’s an awful and cruel way to govern the cosmos. It’s manipulative and it hurts and it’s unfair and it’s not the kind of world I want to live in. Funniest part, though, is that I was not even given the choice.