ON BEING MENTALLY ILL – What Hope?

REFLECTION FROM JANUARY 26TH, 2009 @ AGE 27

RE:  WHETHER BEING BIPOLAR MAKES ME LESS THAN A HUMAN BEING.

I don’t know, I spoke with Maureen from IOP (“intensive-outpatient” group therapy) yesterday and I started crying because I realized that I didn’t feel like I was someone worth loving.  Maureen said that I was, and that everyone is fucked up in some way or another and that it’s really nobody’s business that I’m bipolar, that I don’t have to tell anyone if I don’t want to.  People just marvel at me, that I’m so smart and witty and fun and beautiful–they just can’t believe I wasn’t snatched up some long time ago.  But I wasn’t, probably due to my undying particularity.  I just want to know…will it keep me alone forever?  Or is love right around the corner?  I want to know.  I’m tired of waiting…I just want to know already.  It’s so difficult to be patient when everyone else around me has found love with simple ease.  I can’t understand why it’s so difficult for me, why life is just so damn difficult for me.  Do I make it difficult, or have I just fallen upon difficult circumstances?  Was life meant to be difficult for me?  Or am I just fucking everything up in trying to be “me”?  Maybe I’m not really supposed to be “me”.  No, that can’t be…

Thoughts?

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