Reflection from March 20th, 2008 @ Age 26
RE: UP AGAINST THE WALL WITH A TIRED PERCEPTION.
I keep thinking, what if, what if. What if I had called Dave back after he’d stopped Kayleigh in that North Canton bar? I don’t know why I wonder this, I hate to think that it might have changed the outcome at all, but I do. It’s just like the damn balloon that won’t sink already, I have this ridiculous hope that maybe something could have changed, something could have been different through my own doing that would have eliminated this awful tragedy. But even if that were so, it would make no difference now. Dave reached out to me and I let him go. I let him go because, with the exception of a few choice moments of insanely pure ecstasy with this boy, he pretty much only made me miserable. Miserable about myself, miserable about life, miserable about love, the works. So it kills me to think “what if,” when the outcome was inevitable from the start. Young lover dies. Young partner follows. Is my conclusion inevitable as well? I can only wait and see. There is no other way.