Reflection from March 27th, 2008 @ Age 26
RE: LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF AS A WHOLE ;0)
I think I’m actually, for once, getting all talked out! It happens from time to time, where my mind finally slows to a sweetly normal pace for a few days and my ideas dance not teasingly in my brain. I’m somewhat enjoying the reprieve. I will say though, that I also eagerly await my return. For, what am I, if not a great bundle of dreams and ideas?
Well, I was good and I did it and I went out with nurse boy. Needless to say he was lacking in charisma far more than I even could have expected. I’ve never been one, however, to fall short of great expectations. I got there and I saw him and I almost felt dizzy looking at him because his eyes are like, cross-eyed, but not at the same time. So it was very dizzying and all, and then we got to talking and it’s all, I go out downtown and have drinks with my friends and I work in a nursing home and do side work for a pharmaceutical company (this marked the end), and he wasn’t ugly or anything but he was not attractive in any sense of the word. I feel like I’m being so harsh—but what’s so bad about having great expectations? I have them of myself—why wouldn’t I have them for other people too? Because I’m constantly disappointed you say? Well, I’d almost rather have constant disappointment leading to phenomenal results, rather than mediocre satisfaction leading to even more mediocre results. You see? Well you don’t have to, you’re not me. What else?
He was boring and like I said, was completely lacking in charisma (hence the boring). I’ll give him nice—he was certainly nice. He tried to give me a hug when we met and I was having none of that, and then he tried to pay for my food and I had none of that either. The experience reminded me of just how independent I’ve grown. It also reminded me of how much more depth I possess than the average 20-something. I would rather have it—I’d take my bipolar illness with phenomenal results any day over any alternative. My moods drive me mad, but they also drive me to beauty. I’d have it no other way.