Reflection from March 20, 2003 @ Age 21
RE: EARLY LESSONS IN THE MEANING OF LIFE.
Alright here…so basically, I am trying to learn how to be okay with not being perfect, in a society that teaches you that you must be perfect, or you will be no one. Perhaps this is one of the sources of my struggle? Also, life is so lonely by yourself—but then it’s always so messy with other people.
These are real issues that I am sitting here in my dorm room on my big purple couch, basking in the sunlight, contemplating, while writing an ethics paper and being high. I can’t believe I am just realizing the totality of the situation here! I am going to miss this place. And it breaks me to say so because I, for one, am the one who has been telling Gabrielle how much I hate this place every morning this semester. I can’t believe these are the last days! And it’s finally spring!
I think the thing that surprises me most is that after almost 22 years of life, I still feel like I have absolutely no idea who I am. I mean, I have ideals which I would like to think that I embody. But I am human and cannot be perfect and I am not even sure how many ideals even fit into everyday life and how they remain consistent. I just get so frustrated because I look around me and I think everyone else knows who they are already and I just wonder—where have I been? Why don’t I have things figured out yet? Where’s my self-confidence?
I think it has been through the hardest of times that I realized most how much my friends mean to me. Stella and Gabrielle and I sat on Gabby’s bed and smoked tonight—Thursday at around 2:30am because Gabs was still up reading Huck Fin and I had an ethics paper, Stel a history.
And as I write of my adventures in life today, for the third time, I am almost finished with my ethics paper (it is superb) and I truly feel as if I have learned something from the experience. What gratification it produces. I could sit and bask in the glory for hours to watch the sun rise!
Note to self – some of the sweetest moments in life come precisely when you get to the point that you realize you are quite capable of something you never thought you could/would do.