Reflection from March 25th, 2008 @ Age 27
RE: THE BEAUTY IN DARKNESS.
I was thinking earlier today, wondering whether the people who claim it’s the small things in life that really count, I wonder if those are the people who only have small things. I wonder if they’re just trying to make themselves feel better when there are plenty of other far less deserving people out there gallivanting around on boats and yachts and beaches and exploring Europe and the Caribbean Islands and going out to fabulous dinners and having exciting nights out with something new every night to see. I really do wonder. But then I also wonder, what exactly are the big things? I think the most obvious answer is the fabulous things that money can buy (see above). I almost beg to differ though. No I do beg to differ because when I think of big, I think of my writing and of my book and of all the beautiful effort I’ve put into it, and all the people I might help, and I think big means something very much so different to me than to most. But then again, check me in an hour and I might be all over the goddamn place since the rest of my student loans have come due and I’m going under this April. It’s official. I officially have more bills, more loans to pay off and more necessities to buy than I do money coming in. I’ll show you my budget later after I’ve hammered it out, but one thing I can tell you now. I’m drowning and I don’t know what the fuck to do. Nobody can help me on this one; nobody will help me on this one. I’m all alone and left to my own devices. So, it should be interesting.
I love that typing up my old journals has become such a relaxing, enjoyable and enlightening task. I’m almost done too! Just about finished with book no.8 I think, and then only two and a half more to go! Very exciting!
You know I was crying on the way home from work today because I didn’t know how I was going to pay my bills next month and I thought to myself, I’m so fucking beautiful in these moments! They’re what make me so beautiful…my wonderfully ambivalent moments of despair. When I know I’ll take care of myself but I have no idea yet how. I’ve no doubt in my mind those struggles are what make me so goddamn beautiful. It felt good to recognize that in that particular moment of despair.
Anyways, let me tell you, I got my federal loans placed in forbearance so that cuts my monthly payment from some $640 to $300 which is a huge relief! And it lasts a year and I don’t know what kinds of penalties and interest and bullshit I’ll have to deal with in the end, but it feels fucking good to know I can pay for my gas and drugs and car insurance and doctor co-pays and car lease and all that shit for April. I’ma make it. I can make it. I know I can.