Reflection from January 10th, 2007 @ Age 25
RE: DISCRIMINATION — WHEN OTHERS BOX YOU IN AND YOU MUST FIGHT YOUR WAY ON OUT.
You know, I hate that I almost feel I can’t even write the truth here because I’m afraid somebody’s going to find it and use it against me. It pisses me off because it’s the truth! And I’m better than I ever was before emotionally and mentally. I think getting a “D” in family law kinda sucked. But you know—I passed, which is all I needed to do.
I hate that I feel inherently bad. Oh! Tough emotion…my hating it…big surprise. I gotta work on that.
It still makes me feel sad that Dave’s dead. It’s been six months now and I’ve had a rough time with that the past few days or so. It’s funny that I mentioned Dave in my first college journal from sophomore year at Denison…not even 20-pages into the damn thing.
Why do I go back and forth between thinking I’m a brilliant young woman and a defective, self-loathing monster? I guess those are the “personalities” my father was talking about?
Let me tell you from a young, smart, beautiful twenty-something female American’s point-of-view. There are sure a lot of pressures here (in the good ‘ol US of A) to be perfect. Just flawless. I don’t know what people are thinking. But then again, maybe that is partly my own doing because I’m still working on giving people the benefit of the doubt. Because that, I’m not used to.
So I’m f@#king annoyed with Vicky the therapist who knows all that is so. No, obviously that’s exaggerating, but I’m pissed she’s so closed-minded about my situation.
Half of me doesn’t even want to acknowledge the next part (if I can even remember it?!) but as I’ve learned, that’s prolly the most important part.
So that’s that maybe I am a drug addict. Maybe I’m no different from the rest and I will end up in jails, institutions or dead. But I’m not so quick to draw my conclusion. And anyway, if there is doubt between what is not and what is—to which conclusion do you jump? It is? Or it isn’t?
I don’t know. Things are just different now between Vicky and I because we’re not really on the same page anymore. Kind of like our ‘sinner’ argument of which I cannot remember any of the details at the current moment.
The most important thing Vicky ever told me was this — you have to be willing to suffer to be happy. So deep, right? But here’s the thing — there’s this Ginny Owens song about going through the fire just to get to god…the line I love is this — oh I can’t remember at the moment either but I love this song and I think it’s about the same sort of thing as Vicky’s comment. She talks about being willing to suffer and trust in god (i.e. you, derivatively that is).
The valley of darkness, the fire…the burning. Life’s tough man. You gotta be tough even just to exist and fathom some semblance of your true-self outward, pouring out.