Reflection from February 25th, 2008 @ Age 26
RE: SORTING OUT THE DISCRIMINATORILY DESTRUCTIVE MESS THE “PROFESSIONALS” HAVE “CREATED”.
But I fear that in my search for this scheme of grandeur, I am at once wasting my life away in delusion and committing myself to a life of misery. But where is the choice in the matter? As far as I can tell I have no choice in the matter. So why is it that I keep betraying myself by secretly suspecting that I do? I live in complete confusion; complete f@#king chaos fills every corner of my mind. I don’t know how I can live like this, and more important—I don’t think that I can go on much longer living like this. I think all these thoughts and feel so ashamed for having thought them, and then I loathe myself for being involuntarily what it is that I am. If that makes any sense whatsoever. My mind apparently works in mysteriously incoherent ways.
I just hate that it’s now 1:04am and I’m going to be so tired at work tomorrow and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it because I’m absolutely wired at the moment, through no fault of my own. It’s so difficult trying to live a life amidst all this chaos and complete confusion.
I feel like I am involuntarily destructive, no matter what I do, no matter what I try. Everything I touch is destroyed. I have delusions that I am creating when all I’m really creating is more destruction. That’s at least, how I’m feeling at this particular moment. That and speedy and anything but tired. Lucky me, right? Lucky me.