ON LIFE — Reclaiming My Being


Reflection from March 29th, 2008 @ Age 26


I had a dream last night about Harrison.  It was the strangest thing…

It happened that I was in a huge gymnasium and it was crowded with lots of people, and I was sitting next to Gillian Morrison.  Well Gillian wanted something from me and I didn’t really want to give it to her; but I did, and then I felt abandoned and abused because she took it and left me high and dry.  Then I was all alone all of a sudden in this huge empty gymnasium, and I left and I was running home and all of a sudden it was as if I was a wild animal and I was being hunted by a pack of Harrison’s friends.  And I ran and I ran and I escaped and when I finally got back to my senior college dorm, Harrison lived in the same building.  The strangest thing though, was that in order to get into his apartment, you had to enter through a rabbit hole that was far smaller than the human body.  So he did so and I tried but I couldn’t believe I could make it through, and I didn’t.  So Harrison was pretty fed up with me at this point and left and I became determined so I believed that I could make it through this rabbit hole and by god I did.  Then I went into Harrison’s apartment and Harrison had thrown my purse onto his bed, which I retrieved.  Then he saw me in his room and got really angry with me, because one of his friends who had been hunting me was home at the apartment where apparently he lived too, and Harrison knew he’d be furious with me that he’d lost the hunt.  Moreover, Anastasia was in the apartment and although I don’t think she lived there, I think she was also furious that I was there, acting like they were still dating.

Anyways, Harrison wanted me to leave because you had to wade through the rage in the room it was so overwhelming, and his friend was so angry he wanted to kill me——just to beat the shit out of me and leave me lying on the ground to die.  Then Anastasia came out and yelled at me for being there, saying I had abandoned Harrison and consequently had no right to be there in the first place.  And then I looked to Harrison and finally left feeling abandoned because he left me on my own, amidst all this anger and rage, without support to decide on my own whether I wanted to be there with him or not.

Or something like that, it was rather traumatic either way.  I think maybe it has to do with the fact that I have unresolved romantic issues with Harrison the same way I have unresolved romantic issues with Dave.  I feel torn in both cases because there’s nothing I can do with Dave dead; but with Harrison, it feels there’s really nothing I can do in that case either.  All I know is that when I see Harrison I want to kiss him, and it’s all awkward and I can’t because we can’t be together and even if we could—I wouldn’t be happy because Harrison smokes pot everyday and is largely unmotivated and likely unsupportive (though I cannot be sure).  Much like Dave, I fell in love with Harrison who is constantly escaping something through substance — who is highly unsupportive, who left me high and dry, who never stuck around when I faltered and was paralyzed and knew not what to do, nor who to speak to nor how to speak.  Harrison’s still alive, but I feel I cannot resolve my issues with him because they are now too far into the past, and I know not whether they are real or some part of my mania or what.  I don’t know what to do, but I think I’ll email Harrison at least and apologize for not returning his call.  I will lie and say that I was out of town and did not receive it until after the fact.  Harrison might find out one day that I’ve lied.  I cannot face the truth that seeing Harrison might have forced me into confronting my long buried emotions for him.  I cannot face the light that though far in the past—my emotions for Harrison live on everyday in my heart.  I feel paralyzed like always before.  I have feelings and I know not how to deal.  I feel abandoned, yet I know not how to reclaim myself for good.


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