Reflection from January 24th, 2009 @ Age27
RE: CLOSING IN ON THE INNER CONFLICT.
It seems everyday I have something to worry about. And it’s funny because the things that I am worrying about—the circumstances giving birth to such things were usually brought about by my own actions. Such as, today, I’m kind of flipping out about someone seeing my Star of David, presuming I’m Jewish and raping me or killing me because of it. Even if I tell them I’m not Jewish and I got it in remembrance of my first love David — if they’re anti-Semitic then something tells me they wouldn’t really even care. Just the fact that I got a Jewish symbol placed conspicuously on my body would probably be enough for them to do me in. It terrifies me, and I hate that I live in a world in which this is so. I hate that I did not understand the full implications of the symbol before I branded it to my body. I don’t know what I’m going to do about it. I of course don’t have to worry about it during the winter, and during the summer I can always just put a band-aid over top of it. And then I could always just get it removed—though that would hurt like hell. It hurt like hell to get; I can’t imagine what it would feel like to get it removed. Why ohh why did I go and do this to myself? Goddamn mania. I do the stupidest things when I’m manic, it’s awful. I hate that I act in ways that I approve of at the moment, but disapprove of so very shortly thereafter when my mania has settled. I hate that I’m such a deeply conflicted person. I hate that I’m so very…me.
I’ve still been very unforgiving and hard on myself for the mistakes that I’ve made. In all areas of my life. Some people need to hold themselves more accountable; their problem is in not doing so. My problem is I just become a raging bitch towards myself and then live this conflicted presence where I have to accept being myself and hate myself all at the same time.
So that’s my life right now in a nutshell.